C'est Non Un Blog

Ok, I have a question for all of you loyal readers: How old do you have to be for it to be ok to watch an R rated movie?

I ask this because my aunt and my 12 year old cousin are coming up to visit us this weekend. Of course the new movie for me to see this weekend is Bad Boys II. My dad is up for it and told my mom that we would take my cousin Matthew to see it this weekend while the girls went out shopping. My mom told my aunt this on the phone and apparently she wasn’t too happy about that.

My aunt keeps my cousin pretty sheltered from “bad” movies like that. He mostly still sees Disney movies and the like. My aunt, and then my mom when she brought it up with me started to use the whole “violent movies and video games can’t be good for young kids” argument.

I of course think this is all bull. I must have seen Robocop in the 3rd grade. The Terminator movies in 4th and 5th. I’ve seen more gore and violence in movies and on the internet, played more violent video games, and read more disturbing literature than most people will in their entire lives, and yet I wouldn’t hit anyone, much less kill someone because of something I saw (this does not necessarily pertain also to clowns, since they are not of this world: see below). I’m not stupid enough to assume that everyone is just like me, and yet most people see this stuff at a young age and are fine.

The question is, when is it ok for a kid to see an R rated movie? Obviously six is way too young. Sometime in the teen years is when I assume this is ok, but when for the average joe, I don’t know. Something to think about.

For those of you who haven’t heard, a girl in the UK pulled down the shorts on her Hulk toy only to find he was completely anatomically correct (and even a little more so). For those interested to see how big the Hulk’s wang really is, and why the filmmakers really wanted to make sure his pants stayed on, look here:

I don’t know if you know this but I hate clowns. They are one of my top phobias. I absolutely can’t stand them.

“That’s an odd thing to be afraid of,” you might say. “Aren’t clowns suppose to be fun and generally make you happy?”

Well that would be true if they were not, in fact, the anti-Christ.

Clowns are like mimes: in concept they are fine and dandy, but in reality they are very frightening. I mean, there are enough real retards in the world; do I really need to see someone struggling to get out of an invisible box? Anyone who would put on face makeup, grin like an idiot, and act like a total tool just rubs me the wrong way. (That’s right drunk girl, I’m looking at you too!)

But I’m not afraid of mimes or drunk girls, just clowns.

“Why is that?” you might say.

Well, besides the fact that they are just pure evil (why else would Stephen King make the villain of one of his scariest books, It, a clown? It is the supreme example of evil, and it is, in fact, a clown.) I once had a bad run in with a clown that scarred me for life.

(This is like one of my first memories, mind you. That’s how far the clowns have gotten under my skin.)

When I was really little, like four or something like that, my parents took me to the circus. I was all into it. I loved all the exotic, endangered animals that they paraded around. I loved the acrobatics and the women wearing clothes a young child only sees on the Brazilian equivalent of Sesame Street. I loved the bright colors and the atmosphere, the sights, the smells, the atmosphere of it all.

And then, It happened. I’m walking around with my parents when out behind from me jumps this giant (remember I am only four) monster which looks like a crayon box puked on It. It starts laughing like a crazed lunatic and shouting out gibberish, waving its hands around in my face, and I’m supposed to find THIS funny? It scared the ever living shit out of me! The satanic makeup, the fashion disaster clothes, the brightly colored afros–This is what the mutant survivors of the nuclear apocalypse would look like. They look like a melting Van Gogh painting come to life, dancing like a Mexican paper skeleton. Are they suppose to be funny? Really?

Anyway, the probably very good natured clown scared the bajesus out of me, to which I started to cry, and only to make things worse the clown tried to make me laugh to stop the crying (as clowns are wont to do). This only made the situation worse, so much so that my parents had to take me out of the circus tent, tears streaming down my face while I wailed at the top of my lungs.

To make matters worse, my parents tried to cheer me up with Circus Peanuts. Have you ever had a circus peanut? Then you know what I’m talking about.

I still can’t stand Clowns to this very day. I know they are evil. Just look at them. Anyone who would do that to themselves is obviously mad. If I see a clown on the street I won’t run away screaming or anything, but I will start to walk the other way. I get really on edge when I see one. I don’t doubt that I might deck one one day if they happened to try to play pick on me, as they are known to do.

This is probably why I can’t stand anyone who approaches me in the name of “fun”. I almost decked a Christmas Carol heckler once for this very reason.

So if you ever see a clown, just kick him in the balls for me, won’t you? Their kind need to be wiped off the face of the planet. Never trust a clown.

No so much for me to yammer on and on about today, boring you until you come to tears wondering why you ever thought reading Ben Merrell’s posts would be any fun and cursing the day he was … eh hem.

Anyway, the Miss Kittin CD I got recently is truly quite excellent. It is definately my favorite of the new batch of CDs I just got, and it is quickly becoming a classic of my collection. Miss Kittin has put together one of the most original, well crafted mixes I’ve ever heard. It’s thought provoking and fun, which is a rare find indeed. She’s got excellent taste.

Other than that, I’ve got nothing. I rewatched Hard Day’s Night and Young Frankenstein again, but nothing new to write about them. Till next I feel like writing!

Today was another fine day of boredom. I won’t give you the details, but instead will get right to the juicy stuff.

——Man With A Movie Camera——

I finally got my Man with a Movie Camera DVD in the mail today. I think I ordered it June 2nd or some bullshit like that. It was, however, worth the wait.

The 1929 Soviet silent film was recently given a new soundtrack by the Cinematic Orchestra, a pretty recent band that incorporates live jazz music with DJ beats. Think DJ Shadow, only with jazz instead of hip-hop. It’s amazingly good, and their music has been hailed by all of the critics as the next big thing. I recommend that anyone who even kind of likes jazz pick up their latest album, Everyday. It’s so good.

Anyway, Man with a Movie Camera is probably one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever made, and Vertov was way ahead of his time in making it. For those of you who don’t know the film, it is pretty much about everything, meaning that it is about life, death, everything in between, and about the act of making and viewing a film. Documentary-type footage of Soviets going about their daily lives, waking up, going to work, playing sports, etc, is intercut with footage of Vertov filming all of these other things, and the audience can actually see him making the film while they watch the film. The film is set up with bookends of an audience coming to see a film, but little do they know that actually they ARE the film. It is an amazing silent film, and all of you should go see it.

But if you do see it, you should really check out the Cinematic Orchestra version, because, simply put, it makes an excellent film even better. The soundtrack is not only beautiful in its own right, but it fits the film so perfectly that you’re surprised it isn’t actually the original score. The careful arrangements and the jazz beats only help to enhance and draw out Vertov’s excellent editing and help tie together the several themes that make up the work. It’s awesome. Pump the music up loud and just relax, and you’ll witness the greatest 66 minute long music video ever made. Vertov and the Cinematic Orchestra were made for each other.

I give this version of the movie my highest recommendation, and give it a grade of A+. You’ve got to check this out.

(Also, the DVD packaging is also probably the nicest I’ve ever seen. Beautiful design, sturdy high-quality packaging. It makes an already sweet DVD even sweeter. As I said, a must own DVD, very much worth the wait.)

NAME THAT QUOTE!

OR NAME THIS ONE!

“What happened to town pride?”

“It’s been going downhill ever since the lake caught on fire.”

ON TO THE SHOW!

——Bathroom Time——

Have you ever gone to the bathroom naked, say, when you are about to step into the shower but have already taken your clothes off, and just felt weird doing so? Why is that? Is it just because we are so used to going with all of our clothes on? It’s weird though, you have to take your pants at least partially off to go, and yet if you take your shirt off, something’s wrong. I guess being naked and going to the bathroom are two too many social wrongs to take place at one time.

——God’s Gay Love Child——

Here is a question for you all to think about: If two gay men have sex and then have a baby, will it look like God?

Well, first of all two gay men can’t have a baby, so that points to no being the answer. But what if they did have a baby, would it look like God? Well, God is everything and nothing all at once, meaning that the baby would be part of everything, and therefore part of God, so then yes, the baby would look like God. But God is also nothing as well, and since gay men can’t have babies together, aka they can have nothing from having sex together, then that is also God, so again in that case the nonexistant baby would look like God.

In conclusion, if two gay men had a baby, it would in fact look like God. Glad we got that out of the way.

——Bonzai——

Thank you Fox, thank you. So this is what I have been waiting for, all of these years.

Where else can you see a Rabbi, a Priest, and Lou Ferrigno, aka TV’s the incredible Hulk, ride exercise bikes for a child’s soul? WHERE????

——Pirates of Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl——

I have to say, I was actually surprised at how much I liked this film. I walked into there expecting an all out crapfest and came out having seen a pretty fun movie. That doesn’t mean it was perfect, but I definately feel like I got my money’s worth out of it.

It’s Geoffrey Rush and especially the fantastic “Is he crazy or just so sane he’s crazy” Johnny Depp who sell this movie. I don’t think it would be half as good without them. Both of them bring a sparkle to their roles that lights up the screen whenever they are on it, making the somewhat dull exciting. They bring a presense and a sense of fun that’s sorely missing in some of the other leads.

Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, for instance, even though they throw themselves whole-heartedly into their roles there isn’t really much of a role of them to inhabit. Bloom plays the straight man to Depp’s crazy and he wants to be a pirate (without actually “being” a pirate), but other than that he has no character besides the fact that he likes to play with swords and he’s in love with Knightley’s character. He’s given next to nothing to work with, and it shows. Knightley on the other hand is almost given too much character to handle. She plays an old fashioned woman who wants to be a modern woman, which is fine in a modern movie except that no one else wants her to be a modern woman other than herself. Whenever she rushes forward to do something exciting the other characters just look at her like she is mad and turn away. It almost feels like the filmmakers were doing the same thing, since when she does actually get the some action the camera likes to cut away from her to one of our more heroic male leads as soon as possible. Her role in the movie is really just to look hot and fiesty.

One problem cited by most people about this movie is its running length. Yeah, 143 minutes is probably too long for a movie of this type, and yet you don’t really notice it that much because the action pretty much moves the picture right along with no problems. So things could definately be cut though. The openning sequence I didn’t like, and the end sequence I really didn’t like (for reasons I’ll get into later). Each of the action sequences could cut at least two or three shots out, since while they are good and fun, they are a little too excessive. Comic shots are added all the time to mix things up, even though they are usually not needed.

And yet the film is a real joy ride, with lots of good pirate swashbuckling fun. There are plenty of good pirate jokes for all to enjoy. The action is great and the skeleton ghosts look surprisingly really good.

There is only one major problem I have with this movie, and that is the end. I’m not going to give it away, but I will say that it is probably the stupidest, worst way to end that movie they could have possibly done. It makes no sense, and goes directly against what everyone in the audience naturally expects to happen, even though it kinda sorta happens anyway, only with no intellegent motivation whatsoever. The first thing everyone said when leaving the theater was “I didn’t believe that ending at all”. I think I called it “Complete bullshit”. What was Disney thinking?

Anyway, my overall grade for this movie was a B.

Here’s another quote for all you lovers of…oh fuck, just give ’em the quote:

“What did the aliens look like?”

“Well, I only saw the from the back because they were too busy gang-probing you.”

NAME THAT QUOTE!

——Terminator Madness——

Sparked by the new EW that came in the mail today, which had an article on the timelines of the Terminator movies, I suddenly began to question the basic timeline paradox of the original Terminator. Here is the problem: In a Killer Robot Future, John Conner, savior of the human race, sends back Reese to save his mom from the Terminator sent back to kill her so that John can’t save the human race. So far, so good. There would be no problem, except that John is sending back HIS DAD to IMPREGNATE HIS MOM. This immediately begs the question, Well how the fuck did John exist in the first place, to be able to send back his dad to impregnate his mom, if he can’t be born until he sends back his dad to do the job?

Here is one possiblity: Some other inferior “John Conner” was born normally as savior of the world, but he couldn’t cut the mustard so he sent Reese back to create a superior John Conner who could destroy the machines.

PROBLEM: The Killer Robots are the ones who create the time machine. Apparently, once the War Against the Machines was going badly, the robots started a program to develop a Time Machine to go back and kill Sarah Conner so that they wouldn’t have to worry about losing the war. Just as Skynet is about to go down, the machines send an Austrian Killer Robot back in time, prompting John to send Reese back in time. The humans could not create a time machine on their own (because of the lack of a proper civilization needed to construct such a device) and the Killer Robots would not have developed a time machine if they did not need it, they with their superior robot logic. So the question is, why would there be a time machine if there was no John Conner? If there is no Time Machine, where does John come from?

You can argue that the timeline of the Terminator movies is a closed loop, but how does the loop start? If James Cameron could make a movie that could explain how all this works, and make me buy that it does in fact work, I would see that movie a million times just to thank him.

Another Question: In the first Terminator movie, they say that only human flesh can survive the time jump back in time. That’s why they come naked and can’t take laser guns with them. The Arnold Terminator can go back because he is human flesh covering metal endoskeleton. But how the hell do the T-1000 and the T-X go back in time? They are all metal. Is it because they are covered by “living” metal, if there is such a thing? Who knows.

Wacky time paradoxes.

——New CD Day, Part Two——

I got some new CDs today in the mail. Miss Kittin – Radio Caroline Volume One, FC Kahuna – Another Fine Mess, and Darren Emerson & Mutiny – Underwater Episode 2. Thanks for winning big in Vegas dad! Anyway, from what I’ve heard so far, they are all pretty awesome. I got the limited edition of the Underwater CD, which means that it comes in this soft plastic slip case that’s got colored water between the sleaves. Pretty cool.

——

For those who are wondering, my current mood is predatory only because I wanted to see what I predatory smily face looked like. Have fun!

Did you ever look through a mirror and think there was another reality on the other side of it, only to touch the mirror and then have reality say, “You are just touching glass, stupid!”?

Did you ever stop to wonder if that other person on the other side of the mirror was just touching the mirror the same time you were to make sure you didn’t fall through?

…

I had another dream last night. In this dream a pregnant Jennifer Connely and I fell in love, but she was married to LL Cool J. (Why was she married to LL Cool J? Because Ladies Love Cool James, that’s why.) Even pregnant she was uber hot. I have no idea why I had this dream.

——To be a T-101 or not to be a T-800, that is the question——

Arnold is indeed called the T-101 in T2. Why did James Cameron change it? It makes more sense as T-800, and sounds cooler to boot. I mean, there has been a whole hell of a lot of models of Terminators made (see T1, where Reese tells Sarah of the Terminators with rubber skin that were easy to tell were Terminators, and compare to the first Terminator units in T3, taking into account that any machine that kills humans (the flying things and the tank things) is given a T-number, and it makes sense that the Arnold Terminator would be 800) and it makes more sense that the 1000 would be closer in number to the 800 because they were not made that far apart, otherwise John would have destroyed the machines before they could have made a T-1000. T-101 is just plain stupid.

Why I think they did it: Two reasons. A) It makes Arnold seem even more out of date compared to the new Terminator he is fighting, raising the stakes for all of those involved. B) This way all the numbers are ones and zeros, so that it looks like binary, and therefore even more machine like.

——Magnolia——

I watched this last night because a friend and I were having a semi-argument over which was better, Magnolia or Punch-Drunk Love, and I realized to have a better grip over the conversation I would have to watch Magnolia again, because I’ve only seen it the once and that was three years ago. So I popped in the disk to my DVD player last night, sat down with some popcorn, and was ready to give this movie another fair shot.

Now I have to give this movie credit. I was a little too hard on it. Excellent acting, directing, editing, script. So what is my problem with it? I just don’t like the movie, is it. It’s not really a movie that asks you to like it either, so that isn’t surprising. The movie is worth being admired, but I just don’t like most of it. The characters, although well drawn out, I just don’t like any of them. The movie is rather depressing, as are the characters. Not only that, but the rain seems only to increase as the movie gets more depressing, to the point where the most depressing part of the movie it starts to rain frogs because there is no more water, which only amplifies how depressing it is.

I also have a problem with the pacing of the movie. Every characters sequence takes a lot of time, with much more dialog than any other Hollywood movie would allow. Which is fine, but all of the multiple stories are told at the same time, so that when you are watching one story which in real time would take like four minutes for us to get through, in the movie that four minutes could last fourty-five because you keep bouncing around to other stories. What this succeeds in doing is to make the movie seem even longer than it really is, and at three hours long it is already really damn long.

Some odd points to the movie–Which is more of a coincidence: that frogs would fall from the sky at this important time in all of the character’s lives, or that they would all be singing Aimee Mann’s Wise Up at the exact same time? Why the hell are they all singing Wise Up? The movie is all serious and depressing, and then all the sudden the old guy dying is singing a Aimee Mann song. What’s up with that? Why do that? Yeah, it makes sense that the coked up girl would be singing it, but does everyone else have to join her?

Also, I’m not really sure I get the ending. I get that they all have to accept the past and move on into the future, accepting whatever consequences that entails, but why do the frogs have to be there? (I mean, they are obviously cool, but do they NEED to be there to tell the story the movie wants to tell?) What happened to the Old Quiz Show guy? Did he shoot himself? It’s hard to tell if the frog made him shoot himself, or if it knocked the gun away from his head and towards the wall. The camera never comes back to check on him, even though it goes to all of the trouble to showing the bullet hit the outlet, supposedly starting a fire. But again, why the frogs? Is it suppose to signify that when all of the stars aling and all of the characters lives fit in sync that a cosmic event should occur? Why does the cops gun come down with the frogs? Some thug stole it. What was he doing with a swamp full of frogs?

So yeah, I have all of those problems with Magnolia, and I just don’t like it, even though I really do admire it for trying.

——The Amazing Race 4——

Of course, once I finally start to like the models they get kicked off the show. Damn models. And they got kicked off by Richen and Chip of all people, the biggest assholes on the show. Oh well, at least I got to see Tian all muddy.

NAME THAT QUOTE!

If you can name exactly where it came from, I’ll have to think of a really good prize for you, as this one is pretty hard (I’m still thinking about your prize Anna).

——Chinese Philosophy and Dreaming——

I’d like to start this post off with a little scholarship by tying in some Eastern Philosophy to the last post. Here are some very thought filled words from the father of Taoism, Chuang Tzu:

‘Chang Wu-tzu said, “How do I know that the dead do not wonder why they ever longed for life?
“He who dreams of drinking wine may weep when morning comes; he who dreams of weeping may in the morning go off to hunt. While he is dreaming he does not know it is a dream, and in his dream he may even try to interpret a dream. Only after he wakes does he know it was a dream. And someday there will be a great awakening when we know that this is all a great dream. Yet the stupid believe they are awake, busily and brightly assuming they understand things, calling this man ruler, that one herdsman–how dense! Confucius and you are both dreaming! And when I say you are dreaming, I am dreaming too.”‘

Also from Chuang Tzu, I’m going to add the butterfly quote I alluded to last post:

“Once Chuang Chou dreamt he was a butterfly, a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn’t know he was Chuang Chou. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Chuang Chou. But he didn’t know if he was Chuang Chou who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Chuang Chou. Between Chuang Chou and the butterfly there must be some distinction! This is called the Transfomation of Things.”

It always amazes me how what we think is real, we don’t really know is real. Everything we experience is but an electrical impulse that travels to our brain where it is interpretted. All the five senses are are impulses understood. Our brain is just a giant computer, taking in external stimuli and then responding appropriately to that function of life. There is no difference between the brain and my laptop, other than the fact that my laptop has a far inferior brain. So how do we know what is real is real? The world could be a lie. We only know what our senses tell us. This is why dreams are so real, because they work on the exact same principle as being awake, only more so. Everything hightened there. But how are we to say this is real, and dreams are not, since they both fun on the same principle? For all we know, as Chuang Tzu saw it, everything is fake, and the real is something else, like Plato’s images in the cave. I like to think there is something beyond our understanding, like how our understanding is far beyond that of a computer’s.

Here is one more quote, this one from the grand pappy of the Tao, from the Tao Te Ching: Lao Tzu.

“The whole world says that my way is vast and resembles nothing. It is because it is vast that it resembles nothing. If it resesmbled anything, it would, long before now, have become small.”

I think that sums up well everything I’ve said before.

——Cupid——

I watched this last night. I have to say to all of the ladies out there, on behalf of all men, that I am deeply sorry for what you have to go through. I thought men had it bad, but after seeing some of the losers on this show, I realize you are the ones that really got it bad.

Another thing I learned (or re-learned): Don’t fuck with a hairdresser.

——New CD Day——

I got the two Afterclub disks from Deep Dish’s Global Underground set in Toronto today. In a lot of ways, these afterclub sets are better than the regular Global Underground two disk set they put out a month ago. Sharam’s disk is really good, but Dubfire’s knocks it out of the park. His kicks some major booty. I can’t wait to listen to these two CDs a couple more times.

Best remix of the set: the new Deep Dish Remix of Timo Maas feat. Kelis – Help Me. It sounds like a 30’s horror movie soundtrack disguised as a thumping party track. Very cool, very fun.

Most disappointing remix of the set: the Underworld remix of St. Etienne – Cool Kids of Death. Is this even a remix? It sounds just like the album version. What did they do different? I can’t fucking tell.