OK, the man is destroying the economy, going crazy with Social Security and declaring war on everyone that looks at him funny. But what is the final nail in the coffin for good ol’ Ben? That bastard fucking preempted The O.C.! If I don’t see tonight’s episode until the season comes out on DVD I’m totally buying a gun and taking it to Washington.
-Sleep until noon.
-Take long, hot bath.
-Take nap.
-Listen to techno all day long.
-Commune with nature, take nap in fresh spring grass, frolic with deer.
-Combine two foods that have never before been combined by man.
-Watch obscure crap movie, halfway through take nap.
This is what I ACTUALLY did today:
-Woke up 7:30.
-Went to work.
Sample conversation between myself and the new genius they hired at K-Mart:
“Can I get Tekken 5?”
“Well, if you don’t see it on the shelf there, we probably don’t have it.”
“No, it’s right there. I just want you to get it out for me.”
“Sometimes we run out of things, but we try to keep everything we have out on the racks.”
“No, Tekken 5. It’s a video game. I need you to open the rack.”
“I don’t really see it.”
“It’s right there.”
…
[I point.] “Right there.”
…annnnnd scene.
Tekken 5 is wicked kickass, by the way.
——
I got my new glasses. Same color, same thickness, but a little smaller and sleeker. I’m still getting used to the size of them. I like to use my peripheral vision a lot, but you can’t really do that with these glasses. I’ve found that things work best if I blink every time I want to see something to my side, and mid-blink turn my head.
——
Finally my damn Assistant Manager is gone. THANK YOU GOD! The only thing is he isn’t actually gone. He keeps coming in to borrow things to clean his apartment before he moves, and to use his email. God knows why he can’t do that at home. He has a fucking computer. Bitch. But he’s gone! All the honeys say, YEA!
——
Friday I drive down to finally see Mike from college. We are going to have a bitchin’ time. We’re going to have a good ol’ time.
The other night though my mom mentions that everyone will be going to Myrtle Beach Friday. Uh, what? Oh shit. Next week is April break. Shit. I’m going to be driving with all the crazies. That’s just great.
OK, time for me to recount a dream I had last night, sure to bore the hell out of those not in it and make those involved extremely uncomfortable (and in turn, make them hate me).
Last night I had a dream where I had started to date Sara C. and we were described by others as being “extremely cute” together. (I’m not sure which part of this will horrify her more. All signs point to a soon death for me though.) Everyone thought we were pretty cute except for Anna, who thought our being together was ripping apart the very fabric of the cosmos. (I’ll leave it to the reader to decide on that issue.)
Anyway, I thought I was pretty fly and suave. I mean hell, how can you not love a guy who shows up for a date in the X-Men’s stealth jet? In the immortal words of Paris Hilton, “That’s hot.”
Have y’all seen KUNG FU HUSTLE yet? Because if you haven’t you’re missing out on the coolest kung fu movie in like, forever. Remember when you saw that trailer for the Matrix Reloaded where Neo fought a hundred Smiths and you thought, “this is going to be the coolest thing ever!” And then you actually saw the movie and was like, “Well, it was cool, but not nearly as cool as i thought it would be.” Kung Fu Hustle is as cool as you thought that movie would be. I promise.
(A little side note on the movie: Even though it is now out in theaters I actually saw the movie on a bootleg copy of the Hong Kong DVD. After I had already paid for it eBay let me know that they had shut down the auction because someone had notified that they had violated copyright law or something. Well, no shit. I kind of knew that before you told me. Still, the DVD has the most amazing DTS soundtrack ever. You hear everything, and it just sounds so damn cool. Get this movie!)
One thing I forgot to add to my previous posts is that recently every time I see a big truck, SUV, or worse, a Hummer, I feel like I’m going to puke.
In more amusing news, I am SO in love with Steph from this season of Survivor. Like, totally crushing on her right now.
So for like the past two days, all I could think about is that fucking Rolling Stone article about how very soon life is going to suck and we’ll all go back to the way life was in the 19th century, that is if we all aren’t already dead from some new civil or world war. Seriously, I’ve been wicked depressed, this is all I could think about.
The problem probably lay in the fact that my thoughts are always of the apocalyptic. (This is all true, by the way.) But, you know, the happy apocalyptic. Armageddon, Good versus Evil, all that jazz. Thoughts like that make me strangely happy. Not like these crazy real problems. Like running out of fossil fuels. That’s something that could actually happen. All this shit in this article was very real.
I starting thinking about things like how I could prepare myself for the coming crisis. Where should I live? What career should I go into? Should I buy a farm now? Definitely should start stocking up on guns to shoot my land-crazed neighbors with. God bless America. When the times comes I should definitely have enough guns to shoot looters with.
Seriously, this is the shit that has been going through my head. My best solution was to do exactly what I want (make movies), make as much money as possible while I still can, and then when everything starts going to shit invest in things people are going to need so that I can be part of the new aristocracy and have slaves to take care of my parents and kids and all that. I’m stalking up on movies, books, CDs, everything I need to be a shut in. I’m a little fucked in the head, I know.
I only started to get over it when I started going to extremes and making fun of it. I mean if the shit-storm is going to come I can’t stop it. Might as well enjoy the good ol’ days so I can tell my grandkids what they were like, right?
It was at this point that I realized the last time I got into an apocalyptic fervor (this happens way more often than it should). It was when I read the Zombie Survival Guide, as if it were a real survival guide. I was actually planning what I would do should the day come that the dead rise. Silly me.
Thankfully, if ever everything should go to shit I do still have the Zombie Survival Guide. Just substitute the words “angry looting neighbor” for “zombie” and I should be fine.
I just read this article in Rolling Stone that pretty much stated that you should expect your quality of life to completely change in the next 20 years, because of the depletion of oil. Expect to be a farmer or be dead, essentially. Fun.
OK, time to do a little updating of the ol’ Livejournal, methinks.
Last Monday I went over to Harry’s. We had a good ol’ time. Had to take the back way in because he road was flooded. Then Ross shows up. Harry jumps up and tells Ross it is again time to play, “Will Ross Eat It?”
This is a game we’ve played since way back in high school when Harry bet Ross ten bucks to eat an entire thing of chocolate frosting during the intermission of a play. The rules are simple. We find something gross to eat. We bet Ross ten bucks to eat it. He eats it, gets said ten bucks.
Harry had gotten this Jack Loraine juicer and had tried to make a citrus juice for himself consisting of two entire oranges, a lemon and a lime. It didn’t occur to Harry what this would taste like, never mind the acidity of it but he didn’t even peel them first.
So here is this giant glass of orange mucus looking drink AND the juicer container filled with juice. Ross takes a spoonful of it and you can just tell that he has placed one of the most vile things in the world in his mouth. You really feel for the man.
A bet is a bet though. Harry also, thankfully, pulled out the video recorder for the event. This whole process of watching Ross try and drink this vile drink was one of the funniest things we all ever experienced. Ross downed the first glass and just GAGGED. He felt so sick that we had to take a break for 45 minutes for him to regain his composure. After coming back he tackled the juicer container. Harry had added water to the glass to make it more liquidy, and we found out why when Ross poured himself another glass. In the fridge for 3 days it had congealed and you could see walnut sized chunks of citrus mess pour out. He stirred it up and added water and choked down the rest. It was fucking hilarious to watch. You should all see the tape.
What was best came last though. Understandably Ross felt pretty sick. He wanted to puke it all out. Silly Harry wanted to turn the video camera off. Thankfully, I talked him out of it. First of all, Ross didn’t know how to make himself sick. Watching him try in vain and then get so frustrated had me in stitches. Finally Harry told him how to make himself gag by pressing his fingers against the back of his tongue and out it all came. Literally, like GALLONS of this neon orange vomit came flying out of Ross’ body. I was laughing so hard tears came into my eyes and I couldn’t see anymore. My back hurt. Mid-vomit you could hear Ross say, “finally” and “that feels better”. So…fucking…funny.
We watched the tape later on. Oh my god. So funny. So, so funny.
——
I went to the eye doctor. My eyes are perfectly healthy. Although they are worse enough for new glasses, their degeneration has really slowed down, which is a really good thing. I was glad. Try driving home with your eyes all dilated though. Not fun. Good thing it was overcast.
On the way to the eye doctor though, my check engine light came on. Fuck. I went to Mazda and they told me my gas cap wasn’t on tight enough. The design of this gas cap is so weird I never even knew that it clicked tight. Oops. My bad. The car goes in Thursday for an oil change. Over 3,100 miles already!
I got some sort of sinus infection at the same time. Mainly I get really dizzy at weird times of the day. I don’t know why. It finally seems like it is going away, thankfully. It is so weird to have your balance suddenly out of wack. It is definitely something we all take for granted. At the same time I also had some ear problems, where I was really sensitive to loud noises. Not fun.
And finally, some great news! My assistant manager is getting a new job as manager of the airport store in Logan. Not only does this mean that I might be able to get a promotion soon (after just getting a slight raise this week) but also, after this Sunday, I never have to see him again. Woohoo!
P.S. At Sin City Friday night I saw a couple in the audience that I swear looked like what I picture Josh and Casey looked like in High School, I swear to God.
P.S., Part two. A girl I went to high school with (who was in my sister’s grade) did some porn a little while ago. It’s THE controversy in town right now. Everyone’s seen it. I was finally given the link to some free pictures. I tell you, it is so weird, knowing someone who has then done porn. So weird. I still have the link for any of the curious.
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