In the last few years I have begun that tradition familiar with so many people of hating the holidays. I wasn’t really sure why that was or what started it, if it were a loss of magic, innocence, whatever, I don’t know. I just knew that the older I got the less I looked forward to these things. All of those little things just drove me crazy. But the other day at the store while listening to some Christmas music I realized that I actually had some fond memories to pull off of, that the music was making me remember all of the things I loved about the season. Why did I hate this again? The answer never came to me.

Today, driving home from Williamstown (which, somehow, has become by best place to think) I think I came up with the answer. It’s the same reason I hate large groups of people, my birthday, church and oh so many other things. It’s an answer so simple I’m surprised it took me this long to figure out. I’m lonely.

You live alone in isolation all your life and you forget what it really means to have someone always there for you. That’s something that feels really nice, and I don’t really have that right now. I don’t have any friends too close by and those far away I’ve lost track of because of a lack of a capacity to keep in touch.

I really do love the snow. It is so beautiful. You think you hate it because driving in it is a bitch, but for the most part it isn’t. All that sucks is that lack of control. No one likes that. But actually driving THROUGH it, wow, that’s amazing. So magical. Like drifting through heaven.

A while ago I was at work on an unusually slow day in the middle of mud season and a program on Discovery HD came on about the Ice Hotel in Sweden. It’s this hotel made of snow and ice every year in the far north of the country. The whole thing, carved and constructed out of frozen water. How wild is that? Every year it is different, every year every room is designed by a different artist from around the globe, and every year it is unique because of course when spring comes, the whole thing melts and comes tumbling down. Ever since I saw that show I’ve wanted to go there. Most people dream of fantasy vacations on a remote tropical island around the equator. I want to go to a hotel made of ice. Is that odd?

I got another speeding ticket. I was being stupid. It seems whenever something like this happens, it is because I was being stupid. Coming out of Arlington a pickup truck with his high beams on came up right behind me. I hate having lights in my rearview mirror. So I sped up, thinking I could lose him. Damn bastard kept up with me though. He was driving pretty reckless. Well, let’s face it, so was I, but my center of gravity was a whole lot lower. Anyway, I come blowing through an area where I’ve never seen a cop before going faster than I normally go. I caught him, but not in enough time. He didn’t chase me at first. I thought I got away with it. He ended up finally pulling me over right in front of Jeremy and Amanda’s house. I don’t know what happened to the truck. I was going 64 in a 50.

I didn’t get away with it.