Yeah, I’ve been a bit of a dick lately. I knew that (see last post), you knew that, but for a while I didn’t know WHY I was acting like such a dickhead. Normally I’m a pretty happy, feel good guy who does like to argue, but not in a mean-spirited or hateful way. And then every once and a while something gets under my skin and I act like a bitch, snapping at everyone until I work out my problems. This time was a little different though, because I knew I was acting like an ass and just didn’t know why. It was odd because otherwise I was actually in a pretty good mood, and then someone would say something that hit a nerve and I’d rip their head off. What the hell is that, right?
I figured out the problem. A few days ago Sara had noted in her livejournal that she was still seeing Sarah Porter at Bard. Some of you might remember the last time I was a bitch was in the Fall when all the ugliness went down between me and her, but I finally got over it and went back to my nice good-natured self. I guess I wasn’t completely over it though, I had just forgotten about it and moved on. I just hadn’t thought about it.
I tend to be someone very friend centered. I don’t like to see my friends hurt, and I don’t want to be hurt by my friends. A friend isn’t someone who walks all over you, right? So I guess when I read Sara’s livejournal on top of all the feelings I still had left over from last year, I guess I also didn’t want one of my friends hanging out with someone I knew from experience was a shitty friend and human being. Sometimes in those matters I just can’t keep my mouth shut.
Of course I didn’t really realize this at the time, because instead of reacting directly to this I acted out, from anything like getting short in my comments with someone to freaking out because I couldn’t find the perfect video at Blockbuster. This is not stuff I normally care about but I was just a little hyper-sensitive at the time and instead of directing my anger where I wanted it to go, it gushed out inappropriately at all the wrong moments. Which is not to say that Clancy shouldn’t rewatch Once Upon a Time in Mexico (he should) but that I shouldn’t be calling people dumbasses. So anyway, to anyone I offended, I apologize. This is just what’s been going on with me lately.
C'est Non Un Blog 
No prob, Bob. Er, Ben. No prob, Ben-Bob. Sorry if I’ve been a bitch right back at you. The bitch certainly has been rising up in me in the past couple years (yes, years).
About Sarah, don’t bother worrying that she’s going to be a bad friend to anyone else. Remember that you and she were in a relationship, and this will almost always affect whatever friendship is left over after the relationship is over — so she may very well handle friendships with other people very differently from how yours was handled. And, just in case you’re worried about this, I’m not the kind of friend to choose one member of a broken-up couple over the other. Sarah doesn’t say anything bad about you to me, and I wouldn’t stand for it if she did, just as I didn’t like when you said something about her to me. So, there’s my two cents on that subject.
No worries, man. As you say, the “dumbass” comment was a bit out of line for a film review (though how much fun would it be if Siskel and Ebert tossed such colorful phrases back and forth…you know…when Siskel was still alive.) In truth I wasn’t paying much attention to what I was saying, either…if someone was dissing one of my favorite films in the way I was mocking Once Upon a Time in Mexico, I might get pretty irritated too. So don’t you be saying nothing about the glorification that is Dracula 2000 or Robot Jocks, alright? Daaamn.
I understand the thing about Sarah…or, at least, to a certain extent. If I heard from a friend “Yea, I spent yesterday hanging out with [insert name of certain ex]” I’d be a little…twitchy…myself. I find that samurai stoicism works best in these cases…the karmic and social “winner” is the one who keeps his peace the best, badmouths the other the least, and appears, to all the world, quite content with the way things are. It’s another thing, of course, to sit down with a couple pints and tell your best friends the TRUTH about how you feel…but in public forums, its usually best to be chill, as they say. Screaming “that damn hog bitch from the devil’s crotch!” whenever someone mentions someone’s name doesnt reflect well [ not that you do that, only that I like the term “hog bitch.”]
What the hell is Robot Jocks? You’ve got my attention now.
I like the term hog bitch too.
As to the Sarah question, yeah I am still a little bitter as to how that all went down. If anything though, it was the summation of everything that was bad about her. It was one of those, ah, why didn’t I put it all together type moments, where the bad of the relationship suddenly vastly out weighed the positives. And although it was a relationship, I tend to believe that most behaviors extend out further than with just one person. So forgive me all if my feelings of bitterness happened to mix with my need to look out for my friends. Mostly it was just me still getting over something I thought I was long over, and thus my bitchy ass behavor came as a bit of a surprise when it suddenly jumped on my back and throttled me.