OK, now I, like just about everyone else that tuned in to see The Next Joe Millionaire (why “the next”? You never see like, The Next Season of ER, or The Season After The Next Season of ER) just to see what it would be like, vowing never to actually ever see it again. But after watching the first episode, how could I not watch again?

Now admittingly I was a huge fan of the first one. How could you not be with its freak show-like allure? Apparently I wasn’t the only one who thought so either, since Joe Millionaire was last season’s highest rated show. But this year I think takes the cake in the absurdity level. Watching this Joe Millionaire is like being told a train is going to wreck, and then being given front row seats to watch it derail in all of its gory glory. Thank you Fox, for once again simultaneously raising and lowering the bar at the same time. I really do love you.

First there is the fact that this Joe, David, seems even more clueless than Evan was last season. He’s a rodeo cowboy who makes only 11,000 a year and sleeps in the back of his truck with his little raggedy dog. He seems even more disturbed by the fact that he has to lie to these girls than Evan was. When Paul starts telling him about the five countries where the ladies come from he takes notes and then asks, “Where was Dutch again?” That and he can’t stop calling Paul “Sir”. If the girls can’t figure out that he’s not a millionaire within the first five minutes of knowing him, then they are all lunkheads.

Which brings me to the girls. Man o man. Never have I seen such a large collection of eurotrash in my life. All of the girls seem to love the sun but not love the skin care products, since even though they are all in their twenties most of them already are starting to look like cracked baseball mitts. None of these girls have a personality worth giving a damn about.

And worst of all Joe has not one (his lack of money) but TWO strikes against him (the fact that he’s a cowboy). Apparently European women really dislike cowboys. When the host told them all that he was a “real American cowboy” you could hear quite audible groans from almost every single one of the women. Now maybe this is because they actually don’t have any idea what a cowboy really is. Quoth the Czech Republic’s Linda: ”I’m going to go to Texas and live on a ranch and eat the ranch dressing every day.” Said her countrywoman Karolina: ”[A rodeo] is a festival with horses. It’s like the horse… you know, you ever see ‘Charlie’s Angels’?” What?

Of course when it was mentioned that he had 80 million dollars a lot of the girls changed their tune and the money chasing began in earnest. Of course that didn’t change the fact that the girls hated the idea of being with a cowboy. One woman’s idea of love went something to the affect of “I love a man who goes shopping with me, and pays for everything.” Yeah, this is going to end well.

All and all if everything stays like the excellent premiere, this looks to be the greatest dating show ever. I bow down to you Fox, you’ve done it again. Let the train wreck begin!

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Also, after Joe Millionaire is over, stay for Skin. I was dubious at first, but it is actually pretty good. That and the Juliet of the show, Jewel, is smoking hot. So Mondays, come for the Euro-whores, stay for the pornographer’s daughter. FOX!!!