Just in case there are any of you who don’t already do so, check out this blog: http://www.defectiveyeti.com/ It is frequently hilarious.

——Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers——

(A)

OK, let’s get the bad out of the way to start. This movie does have middle children syndrome. The first half-hour or so seems to stutter step forward like a car with engine troubles. Sam’s speech tying together the three plot threads is a little much (I much prefer the “What about Sam the Brave?” conversation that ends the film). There is not really enough character development in this one (because they are saving it for the end). And the special effects for the Gandalf/Balrog fight at the beginning are a little cheesy.

But these are all minor quibbles. Let’s face it, this film kicks ass! Helm’s Deep is amazing. The Ent’s storming Isengard is still one of the coolest, most surreal things I’ve ever seen. And who can forget Gollum? I’m still blown away at how realistic he looks, and how utterly fantastic his performance is. There seems to be a million different facial expressions trapped inside of him, all of them dynamically expressive without once bordering on becoming cartoonish. Gollum is the real heart of this film I think. His split personality struggle between wanting to be good again and wanting the ring has to be one of the most tragic stories put to the big screen last year. What a great film.

I’ve pretty much said all of that before though. So I’ll end with a few questions: At the beginning of the film there are only about 40 or so riders of Rohan. And yet there are thousands with Gandalf when they show up to save Helm’s Deep at the end. Where were all of the other riders? At one point Aragorn rides a ladder down into the mass of Orcs. How the hell did he get himself out of that mess? Before the Riders show up to save Helm’s Deep it looks like there are only about a dozen or so men left alive to defend the woman and children below. Is that right? Is everyone else dead? If so, is like the entire male elf population wiped out or what? And how does elf breeding work if you are immortal? Do you have like a million kids or what? Is there birth control? There would have to be, or else the world would be overrun with elves, right? And most importantly, is there any reason why Gimli has to take every orc out by nailing him in the balls with his axe? I’m just wondering.