You didn’t think I wouldn’t update, did you? (But you were hoping)

I guess I should post something today, as I post something every day and I wouldn’t want this day to be unlike any other day. But I’m a tad bit sleepy, so what could have been a long post will probably be a shorter one. No movie reviews today (but plenty coming soon; I got six movies from Blockbuster in two days, and saw Seabiscuit in theaters) so all you afraid of the movie reviews can keep reading.

The other day I was in Walmart while my mom got some things and as usual went to the entertainment department. The Bennington store is really small so in no time at all I was out of there having seen all of their crap and nothing of interest. But then as I’m walking by the discount bin my eye just happens to be caught by Rambo: First Blood II. I look up at the price: $5.88. Next thing I know, I’m digging through the bin trying to find all of the Rambo movies. I got two and three, but damn my eyes! I couldn’t find First Blood. Not for a lack of trying, but the whole Rambo set for less than 20 dollars was not meant to be. I still bought the other two though. They should be fun. Already I can feel my political correct sensibilities cringing. God bless you Stallone!

First there was Amanda Bynes. Then there was my Hillary Duff comment (whom I don’t really have a thing for, by the way). Now there is Anne Hathaway. I know her as the hottie from Nicholas Nickleby, but the rest of you probably know her as the lead in the Princess Diaries. I know. I must be stopped. Yadda yadda yadda. But I didn’t see any of you getting me my Matrix Reloaded Monica Belluci one sheet, did I? Thus, I blame you all.

On that note, if you download the new Matrix Revolutions trailer and play it frame by frame you get a brief glimpse of Monica’s new outfit. Let me give you the gist of it: low, low cut red leather. I can see you all fervorishly downloading now.

I think I’m finally going to start a new screenplay on my Western/Zombie movie idea. More on that soon to come.

And finally, I checked out the extras on the Reservoir Dogs DVD. They are pretty awesome, and worth checking out yourself if you own the DVD.

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You have GOT to check this out…

Your Life: The Movie by mintyduck
Who will play you: Hilary Duff
Who will play your love interest: Janeane Garofalo
Weeks you will stay in the box office: 13
Song that will play during your love scene: Madonna – Justify my Love
Song that will play during your death: REM – Try Not to Breathe
Your name:
Created with quill18‘s MemeGen!

I have no idea what the hell to make of this. So apparently I’m a lesbian? I KNEW IT! I don’t know about Janeane Garofalo being my love interest, but at least as Hilary Duff I’ll have fun playing with myself.

(Perhaps that is too much information, but who cares? I’m a damn crazy lesbian, damn it!)

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Zombie DVD release madness!

Check this out: Coming soon to a DVD player near you…December 31, 2025.

Wait, 2025? Huh? What the hell?

Don’t believe me? Check out the link:

I guess I got to wait a while then, huh?

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A Lesson in Vampire Biology

——Near Dark——

(B)

I actually enjoyed this movie a lot more the second go around. I guess its quiet, confident understatement made a bigger impact on me. In a movie where the word “vampire” isn’t even used it has to work more on a subtle atmosphere in order to get the right impact. I would have given this a B+ if it were for a few of the glaring continuity errors (in quite a few scenes the film shifts from pre-dawn to daylight in next to no time. Also, it’s harder than hell to figure out how many days have gone by in the movie because the scenes shift so fast without any transition shots. But these are minor complaints really.) I quite enjoy the bar scene, which goes on for quite a long time building up tension as it goes along (three songs play on the jukebox during the duration of the killings). Lance Henrikson coughing up a bullet is pretty cool too.

There is one major issue with the movie that I would like to discuss though: Vampire biology. According to this film all it takes is a blood transfusion to make you human again. What? I mean, in theory that could work but I think there is a lot more to the vampire body than that. What exactly happens in the transformation process from a human body to a vampire body? Vampires suck human blood apparently because they cannot create their own, but it is not like the blood goes straight into their veins; it goes into the stomach first. Does that mean they have a working stomach? How does it then process the blood? Also, you can bleed a vampire. That’s how the main character does all of his feeding. Now presumably all of that blood would not be vampire blood, or else how would he survive on it? This is where the complications of a blood transfusion come in. What exactly is he sucking out of the other vampire? If it is real blood how does it get through the body–through the heart right? Well then why aren’t vampires warm then, if they have warm blood running through them? I can see how the blood transfusion works in theory: take enough blood out of the vampire and he ceases to then be a vampire. But that should kill him. If you are pumping new blood into him, isn’t that just like feeding him? How’s that going to work? You could argue that there is a difference, but then how do you explain feeding off of another vampire? All of this makes my head spin.

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Read this post!

For all of you who haven’t been keeping up with my livejournal, here is a little update to get you all up to date on what’s been going on in my life:

Uh…ok.

…yeah…

Hmm…

Let’s see there was…no…

No…no…yes!

…no…

Let’s put that thinking cap on. There was, that…

…which didn’t happen…

…that was just a dream…hmm…

Damn.

OK, so I haven’t been doing much. From the amount that I’ve been posting that may seem odd, but yes, check it out for yourself and you will see I have like two months of movie reviews up there. Yep. That’s it. I was even alone for my birthday. How pathetic is that? Nothing fun for Ben. Lots of DVDs though. Sweet replacement for actual human contact, DVDs. I’ve gotten like twenty in two weeks. It’s like crack, makes me ignore the real world. Mmm…

Anyway, I should give a big thank you to all of you who actually read the movie reviews, and hence give my current existence meaning. Thank you.

I’d give out juicy personal gossip for you, but I’ve run dry in the gossip department lately. Best I can do is say that I went out with my friend from high school, Harry, on Wednesday and we saw the Medallion, went to a comic book shop in Troy, and ate at Popeyes. Why he eats there is beyond me. First of all Popeyes food is shit, but beyond that the place is a dump in the most ghetto part of town. I’m glad I survived the night. Why I got something with Mayo on it, I’ll never know. I dodged a real bullet there.

Anyway, Harry is apparently trying to date this 28-year-old ex-stripper in Florida that he meet through her sister on the Internet. Yeah, I won’t even get into what is wrong with all of that. You read it all right, fill in the blanks yourself. His other dating prospect is a girl in Egypt who’s Muslim and won’t be coming back to the states for 4 more years. Yeah…

Apparently this girl is a real wild one, since she can do stoppies and ride with her feet on the seat and all sorts of shit with her motorcycle. (Harry, you should know, told me that he had a motorcycle, but after a little more than a month trashed it. Nice Harry.) She now works at her uncle’s ski do rental place. Harry now has a moped (I guess he’s decided to work his way up first). I’m real eager to hear where all of this is going.

The comic book shop was nice. There were the assorted comic book geeks milling around, but thankfully they were of the nice variety. I asked one of the guys about the early Bendis crime comics and he was friendly and helpful enough to sell me on buying Goldfish. (A super awesome read, by the way). I have a feeling that if I stayed long enough he would have talked my ear off all night. I probably would have done that too, if Harry didn’t look so eager to get the hell out of there. He got his new Thundercats issue and whatever pretty art, no story crap he likes, and then started dancing around like he had to pee. So I bought Goldfish and the new 100 Bullets trade and we got out of there.

Harry apparently pays the rent to his folks in Home Depot gift certificates. That’s pretty cool I think. Far as I can tell he spends the rest of his money on comics and anime. He’s got all sorts of weird crap, and he pays an arm and a leg for it too. Anyone heard of Excel Saga? He gave me some of that to watch. I only watched two episodes thus far, but I don’t think I like it much. It’s really bizarre in that weird only in Japan way. Maybe it gets better though.

But anyway, that’s about the only exciting thing to happen to me in WEEKS. I really need to get a job or something, but I have no idea where to even begin looking. Tis my fate in life. Forever wandering, or some shit like that.

Maybe I should become Kane from Kung Fu. There’s a life.

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How about one more movie review today?

——Desperado——

(C+)

Things I learned from watching this movie: Robert Rodriguez is a pretty good director. He’s a so-so editor. He’s also a piss poor writer. Every scene that could have been cool somehow never met its potential. One gunfight has inappropriate music. Another seems disconnected with the film. The final shoot-out just never is. The story seems made up as they went along with poorly drawn characters, a plot that slightly changes every fifteen minutes, and dialog even I would only write on my worst days. Rodriguez also seems a little too liberal with his editing, using flash fades too often and cutting more than he should. This movie had a lot of potential, all of which seemed really wasted on this film. Here is hoping Once Upon a Time in Mexico is better. Let’s hope the third time’s a charm.

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Just in case you were wondering, No, I don’t have a life.

——The Conversation——

(A)

This is a hard movie to love. It’s cold, distant, and slow at times, and definitely not for everyone, but if you stick with it there is a wealth of great film making in there to discover. Why this movie didn’t win an Oscar for its sound design is beyond me, because not only does this film boast an impressive soundtrack, the sound is also exactly what the film is about. Gene Hackman as a surveillance expert who keeps everything secret, not giving away much of any personal details to anyone including the woman he loves, makes one slip up breaking his number one rule: don’t get invested in what you’re getting paid to investigate. His desire to understand a recording of an incomprehensible conversation in an effort to avoid being responsible for the death of another human being causes him to become a victim of his own work. I really liked the surveillance camera-like shots in his apartment, and what they meant to a character who is so used to spying on others that he’d rather not let anything be known about himself in fear that someone is spying on him. Although his character was difficult to understand, Hackman gave such a great performance that you really feel like you know this guy of whom you actually know next to nothing about. A great movie, definitely for the patient, but great nonetheless.

——Adaptation——

(A)

I think I might have enjoyed this movie even more the second time around. Why? Because you get to enjoy the intricacies much more after you know what’s going on in Kaufman’s crazy script. What’s great about the movie is how every rule about screenwriting mentioned in the movie is broken, and every thing Charlie said he was against he does anyway. The end of the film is complete Hollywood bullshit made up in order for something to happen in a movie where nothing really happens (and in a great shot at the end, everything ties back to flowers once again, even though the script got so lost along the way from what Charlie really wanted to write).

One thing I noticed this time though was the fact that Adaptation in many ways is The Three. It’s as if Charlie fractured his psyche into the three characters of Donald, Susan and LaRoche. Charlie, Susan and LaRoche are all different characters but they all are looking for the same thing, something they can hold onto and appreciate and truly love. Donald is the only character content with his place in the film, and while the other three struggle with a never ending story left without satisfaction, Donald is the only one happy, and he’s ironically the one to end the film. LaRoche lives a static existence collecting something intensely and then giving it up without ever really loving it, Susan is stuck writing a book out of a story that was barely long enough to run in the New Yorker and has no real ending, and Charlie is stuck trying to adapt something out of that flimsy premise for a book into a movie while dealing with his own emotional insecurities. Donald saves the movie by not caring about truth and beauty and all that, and just by wanting to end a good movie.

Another nice touch I noticed was in the scene where Donald is talking about fractured image systems to Charlie who thinks The Three is the worst overused idea ever, and doesn’t see the reality in shooting a film where three characters are the same person doing different things, Charlie is looking in a mirror at another Charlie while Donald talks in the next room. There are three Kaufman’s in the room at the same time. He’s once again broken his own rule, and successfully I might add. That’s why I love this movie. It’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever seen or heard of the screenwriting process, hitting on every major problem I’ve ever had when trying to write something.

——The Medallion——

(C-)

Harry and I saw this yesterday. While I had a good time seeing the film with him, the movie itself was total shit. Real garbage. Probably Jackie Chan’s worst movie; it was really bad. The action scenes were usually shoddily edited together and the plot frequently made no sense. Actors sometimes stared at each other as if they didn’t know what their motivation was, or what their next line was suppose to be. And the soundtrack sounded as if it came off of a direct to video movie. Whenever something that was suppose to be funny was happening (which was extremely NOT funny) a little tuba solo would play in the background, apparently in lame sitcom fashion in order to clue you that this is in fact suppose to be funny. Oh man was this movie bad. It had some good parts, but they were so infrequent and sporadic that it really isn’t worth it unless you are with a friend to Mystery Science Theater it.

——Clerks——

(A-)

Kevin Smith’s first film is ironically the last one I’ve seen. And the best movie he’s made, I think. It’s really funny, really well written, and the meandering conversation based plot works at its best here, as well as Kevin Smith’s direction. Smith has never been good at moving the camera or editing, so its good that in this film the action rarely moves. Unfortunately when it does move you realize why Smith should be writing and not directing, and that’s why I gave this an A- instead of an A. Still, I really enjoyed watching this movie as it is low budget film making at its greatest.

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Wait, that doesn’t seem right…

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Extreme
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Extreme
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme
Level 7 (Violent) Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Extreme
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) Extreme

Take the Dante’s Divine Comedy Inferno Test

I did the worst for everything, got an EXTREME on just about everything, and I’m banished to only the seventh circle? Man, God is getting lax lately.

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Some Birthday Film Reviews

If you are having trouble understanding my last post, don’t feel alone. I don’t really get it either.

Also, before I get to the reviews, the trailer for The Matrix Revolutions that was after Reloaded is finally on the internet. Took me all day but I downloaded it. Man it looks so kick ass. I can’t wait!

——Open Range——

The Film: (B)
The Gunfight: (A)

Although I found this to be a completely enjoyable movie, it’s not without its flaws. I found a lot of comparisons with this film and Unforgiven, which I saw last week, comparisons that helped me appreciate what Clint Eastwood was doing a whole lot more. Kevin Costner’s film seems to meander a little more than it should, hitting just about every Western convention he can, some times effectively and some times not. For instance, the romance subplot works itself in a little too conveniently and also totally fucks up the pacing of the film. I’m of the general opinion that after the big climatic gunfight there shouldn’t be too much more film after that. The hero usually leaves town after saying or doing something, and that’s that. In Open Range Costner leaves like he’s suppose to, and then COMES BACK for a few more scenes before once again making his exit. It’s the weirdest fucking thing. Sometimes I wish Costner would just get down to the point.

Another example. I read in an interview that in this film Costner wanted to extend the little moments to really enjoy them. That’s what he really liked in a film, and what he tried to add to this one. But I don’t think he did a pretty good job at it. To draw out those moments he adds extra scenes and extra dialog that doesn’t really need to be there, and uses more fades than I ever care to see in a film post-Lawrence of Arabia. Costner doesn’t deal well with silence. Maybe he should take a lesson from Sergio Leone. Leone usually used like a 90 minute script in a three hour long movie and still was able to keep the film as intriguing as all get out. Costner does the opposite, which doesn’t work as well.

Also, could there be any more lame a sympathy card as a dead dog and a drowning puppy? Give me a break.

That said, the film was extremely engrossing. For every scene that annoyed me there was at least one to juxtapose against it that was very well done. Costner’s character really interested me (DuVall’s was a little too happy for my tastes) with the whole subdued killing instinct back-story. The scenes in the café and the saloon were really good. The plot for the most part was really good too. All of which built up to the final gunfight, which was probably the coolest, most impressive gunfight I’ve ever seen put to screen. It takes its time, it’s filled with style that doesn’t distract, and is extremely realistic, which is a real plus for me. The movie is worth seeing if just for this one section. It was amazing.

Overall I’d call this a very enjoyable film with a few distracting flaws to it.

——The Last Picture Show——

(A)

This is one of those films that you know is great, and that you enjoy right from the get go, but you can’t really pinpoint why that is. Sure, there are the obvious good screenplay, good direction, good acting arguments, but there is something a little deeper there that’s really enthralling. I think that for me it was the fact that the film seemed almost documentary-like in its realism portrayed on screen. All of the characters felt real and information is given to the viewer in a more realistic style. When something is bothering someone, you don’t find out what that is immediately, and you end up having to piece the story together by yourself as the movie progresses as if you really were learning the stories of people in a small town.

Also interesting was the tone of the film, of an old town decaying and becoming barren, and taking down the main character with it. The film begins quite slowly, starting first with a long shot of a seemingly empty town where dust blows up the main drag as if it had been abandoned for a long time. The film on the whole seems to be about a lack of options, especially in the areas of romance, one of the key points being the scene where Cybill Shepherd’s character and her mom scheme together to find her a husband after watching all good options disappear. Everyone in a committed relationship is miserable as if the town and its people are being tied down for the long haul. The movie theater closing down is thus one more option disappearing, especially for the main character who ends the film in a state of catatonic shock after watching one more thing disappear from his life.

I think where the film succeeds is in taking such depressing subject matter and making the film extremely funny and entertaining. That’s why I enjoyed it anyway.

——The Apartment——

(A)

I can’t believe MGM is giving away such a great movie for so cheap. The DVD is only 12 bucks, and it is well worth more than what they are giving it away for. Billy Wilder had done no wrong thus far in my eyes, and this film is no exception. Wilder takes a pretty boring genre (the romantic comedy) and makes it into something so sublime that it is no wonder that it won five Academy Awards, including Best Picture.

This film is not only brimming with good ideas (the idea that Jack Lemmon lends out his apartment (and his life, it turns out) in order to procure a promotion is so great that I really wish that I’d thought of it first) but also with some of the most excellent pacing I’ve ever seen in a studio film. Wilder focuses so much time on developing and nurturing the little moments that the big ones seem minor in comparison. Although I think this is technically a comedy it feels much more like a drama since the characters are so well drawn out and excellently played by Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. (I’m shocked that Lemmon didn’t get an Oscar for his role in this film.)

This is one of those films that’s infinitely touching, and damn well worth every penny.

——Rosemary’s Baby——

(A-)

This is one of those films that are merely OK at the beginning, but as the story begins to move forward you get drawn deeper and deeper into it. The second half of this film (and especially the final scene) are creepy as hell. Rosemary makes the perfect helpless victim; isolated from all of her loved ones, unable to trust anyone, and even more susceptible to harm because of her pregnancy. You can’t very well run away when you’re nine months pregnant, especially with Satan’s baby inside of you.

What’s most frightening about this film though is that until the very end you aren’t really completely sure if Rosemary is on to something or just plain crazy. The feelings of isolation and abandonment are very real, and her husband’s growing distance from her is scary enough as a domestic drama, never mind the whole Satan’s baby stuff. It builds on that paranoia we have when seeing a doctor we don’t know and when taking something when we don’t know what it is. That for me is the high point of this film.

——High Noon——

(A)

As a general rule the older the Western, the more likely it will be that I don’t like it. High Noon is a delightful exception to that rule. Here instead of the usual Monument Valley, Good Guys versus the Bad Guys, unhesitating hero Western more typical to the genre, we’re treated to something more akin to a Shakespearean morality play. Here Gary Cooper plays the good guy, but the right thing for him to do isn’t as clear as black or white. No one will stand with him against the Bad Guys. Most people just wish he would leave town like he planned to anyway (more than once Cooper actually considers doing just that). Here is a Western hero that’s actually really afraid to die, especially now that he has a new Quaker wife who is against killing of any kind (the amazingly stunning Grace Kelly). Cooper wants to leave town but his morals won’t let him do anything but the right thing, even if he has to do it alone.

What’s great is the whole 24-esq real time film making, increasing the tension of inevitability even more. The editing, directing, writing and soundtrack are all superb. Cooper is great as the reluctant hero. Of all of the Western’s I’ve seen this one left one of the best impressions on me. It well made, to the point, and extremely interesting all the way to the final scene where Cooper throws off his tin star into the dirt, almost spitting on the townspeople that abandoned him. What a great movie about doing the right thing even when everyone’s against you succeeding.

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Take Three Steps to the Left

Well, today I spent my birthday entirely alone, depressed, and with a stack of DVDs under my arm to keep me company. I haven’t seen a soul all day long. I thank the few that actually did send me a birthday greeting, because it helped a little. Not too much though. Not sure why so depressed. This has been the first birthday alone. No definite future. I’m 22 now with no goals and nothing to do with myself. Well, maybe I do know why I’m so depressed. Some people are chronic anxiety eaters. I must be a chronic film watcher. Unless you haven’t been reading this you’ve probably noticed that I’ve seen mad movies lately. Today I saw four. All birthday presents I bought myself and which came in the mail today. All great movies, but ones that left me in a state of excited melancholy.

I came upon a little religious insight recently. Let me share:

Us trying to understand God is like an Ant trying to understand us.

I can go out and find an ant colony and take care of it, watch over it, bring it food and do everything that’s needed to keep those ants alive. And then one day I could just change, and start smiting ants left and right. Not because they’ve done anything wrong, or because I’m angry at them. Just because. Boredom perhaps. But who knows, those ants could have been worshiping me as God. Would I ever know that? Would they ever know why I decided to take a magnifying glass to smite them?

The point is that for us to assume we know anything about God is just plain foolish. We can live by moral codes of behavior and bad shit can still happen to us. Should we blame God? Should the ants blame me if I didn’t hold an umbrella over their nest when it poured and wiped half of them out? They don’t know if it was on purpose or just because that’s life. We shouldn’t presume to think we have all the answers. We can only live life as best we know how, and hope that today is going to be a good day.

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