C'est Non Un Blog

——Master of the Flying Guillotine——

(A-)

This movie doesn’t have the best kung fu I’ve ever seen, but it is probably the most hip, most unpredictable kung fu movie you’ll ever see. Writer/director/star Jimmy Yu Wang has created a movie that twisted the genre conventions in such a way that hid his weaknesses (he wasn’t a very good martial artist) and exploited his strengths (he was a much better filmmaker).

The Flying Guillotine is the real star of the film, as it is just about the coolest movie weapon, well ever, and its appearance is heralded by one of the coolest electronic scores ever. It sounds something like an Iron Maiden song played slow with the lead vocalist being a dragon. It’s bitchin’. (So cool that it makes an appearance in Kill Bill.) The Flying Guillotine works like a hat with a buzz saw around the rim thrown on a chain like a yo-yo; when the hat lands on your head a veil thing falls down to your neck and then the master pulls it back, loping your head off. You’ve really got to see this thing in action.

The plot is that the Master’s pupils have been killed by the One-armed Boxer (as seen in The One-armed Boxer), so he goes out with his Flying Guillotine to exact vengeance. However, he’s blind, so he rips the head off of every one-armed man until he finds the right guy. Meanwhile a tournament is going on where we find our other main characters, most notably a Thai boxer and a Yoga master who can lengthen his arms. Both of them have some pretty awesome fights.

As I said, Jimmy Yu Wang makes up for the fact that he isn’t a very great fighter with some great direction and some even better set pieces that won’t be forgotten. The movie is filled with surprises all the way to the finish, and this is such a great cult movie that you’ve got to check it out.

——Shiri——

(C-)

This is a Korean spy thriller that apparently won a lot of awards in South Korean when it came out, but it is hard to tell why since it is such a generic and confusing contribution to the spy genre. In it there are a lot of those double crosses and people not being who you thought they were, which would be fine except for the fact that I couldn’t tell who was who before all the switch ups. I could have sworn the same guy died three times. Nope, it is just that all of the main actors and actresses look exactly the same with nothing physical (appearance or behavior-wise) to differentiate them. I was so damn lost. Meanwhile, the plot was identical to the 90 million American spy thrillers out there and offered nearly nothing new to a fan of the genre. That combined with the fact that it takes someone with a lot of creativity and a quick memory to figure out what the hell is happening in the gun fights makes this a movie I totally don’t recommend to anyone.

——Five Deadly Venoms——

(A-)

Kung Fu movies are notoriously light on the plot, making this film an actually pretty interesting addition to the genre. A dying Kung Fu master teaches a new student as much as he can about the five deadly venom schools because he fears that his pupils will use their superior kung fu for ill gain. Unfortunately though, the master doesn’t have enough time to teach the student everything he knows, so student not only has to discover the identities of the Five Deadly Venoms (which is unknown to even the master) but he also has to align himself with one of them to fight the others since he cannot defeat them by himself. Thus, although there is unfortunately not too much action until the awesome climax, there is a nice mystery narrative throughout the film as the Venoms take up sides (with the identity and motivations of the Scorpion being a mystery until the very end), discover each other’s identities and then take each other on. Another great soundtrack to a great film (Tarantino borrows from this film too) that’s worth picking up (although probably on a better quality DVD than the one I own).

——The Legend of Drunken Master——

(A)

This is one of my all time favorite kung fu movies. The story is pretty good and really funny, but more importantly it features some of the most amazing fight choreography to come out of not just Jackie Chan, but of Hong Kong as a whole. Jackie really went above and beyond for this movie. Honestly I find most of the fights in this film much more impressive than anything that was in Revolutions, because you can’t fake these fights. So damn cool.

——Chaos——

(A-)

A Japanese mystery/thriller from the director of Ringu (I believe this one is being remade too, probably to horrible results just like the Ring). The plot is about a kidnapping plot that becomes more complex and deep as we learn more about what actually happened through appropriately placed flashbacks that reveal only what we need to know at that point and time. The whole thing is quite well done, the only bad thing about the movie being a little flawed logic here and there that doesn’t really distract from the film as a whole unless you are a really nitpicky person. All and all, if you like this sort of movie I recommend you check it out.

——Chinese Super Ninjas——

(A-)

Now when you pick up a movie with the title Chinese Super Ninjas you know you are in for a good ride, but you probably won’t expect to have SUCH a good time as you do with this kung fu mini-epic. This is directed by Chang Cheh and stars the Venoms, and they just seem to out do themselves yet again in the awesome department.

The story starts with a tournament between two different kung fu schools. The one is obviously much better than the other, but for their last fighter the inferior school brings in a Japanese samurai. The samurai is defeated, but before he commits sepukku he manages to not only poison their master, but also call in a ninja school to defeat the superior school. The ninjas use five elements in their fighting (gold, wood, water, fire, and earth) and lure the different students into combat where the ninjas easily defeat them with trickery. (It should be noted, as this is something I just recently realized, is that if you have a Japanese person in a Hong Kong movie 99 times out of 100 the Japanese person is the bad guy. Usually a REALLY bad guy. The Chinese were still a little bitter over World War II.)

Then the ninjas sneak a female ninja into their school to scout everything out for the other ninjas. The one brother falls for her but the other doesn’t really buy it, but unfortunately he does nothing because of his brother and the ninjas come in and kill everyone, including their master. Only the smart brother (who just happens to have learned a few ninja skills along the way) is able to escape, and he goes back to the master who taught him the ninja skills to complete his training with three brothers. The four of them then get revenge against the elements in back to back fights of stunning absurdity. Definitely the rule in this movie is style over practicality, as the brothers have a special weapon that they disassemble after each fight to make a new weapon that they use against the next element. It’s all pretty sweet. There is so much awesome action in this movie, and a pretty decent (if campy) story to go behind it.

——The Hunted——

(C+)

While there are some good sequences in this film, it still can’t escape the fact that it is just a B-movie pretending to be a big important Hollywood A-movie. The plot of this is straight out of the straight-to-video bin, and it is only because of the high profile people on board (Tommy Lee Jones, Benicio Del Toro, William Friedkin, although what has he really done since the 70’s?) that this movie can pretend to be anything more than that. The knife fights are pretty cool, but then to get to them you have to sit through lame side plots involving the woman and child Benicio goes to see. Who are the mother and girl? They aren’t his family, he’s only known them for like 8 months. Then there is the mother’s horrible acting. Throwing in an “ain’t” every once and a while doesn’t hide the fact that this actress is well-educated and doesn’t really try real hard to hide that fact. Benicio is goes totally off the deep end for most of the film, most disturbingly when he is outside showing the little girl how to track squirrels. Would it have hurt to get a little deeper into what drove him mad?

The one saving grace in this film for me was Tommy Lee Jones. I haven’t really liked him too much in a lot of the films that he’s made recently, as I always feel that he is playing the same character he always plays, and going way too far off the deep end with it. This time though I was pleasantly surprised to see a more restrained Tommy Lee, harkening back to the earlier days of his career when he was hot shit in Hollywood. I liked that. Let’s hope he stays that restrained when he plays another tracker in The Missing.

——The Fast Runner——

(B)

I really wish this had been shot on film. Film would have given it a little more respectability and confidence than the digital video does, making the film look more like a home movie shot by a group of friends on the weekend. The digital video just draws attention to the weaknesses in Zacharias Kunuk’s directing and some of the amateur actors, which is a shame and I think shooting it on film might have minimized those inadequacies.

Although the film starts off a little confusing (I was only half there through the first half of the film) the second half is actually quite engaging because of some great storytelling. It reminded me a lot of a Viking Saga (with a little splash of Homer’s Odyssey there at the end) where the story starts long before we are introduced to our main character because in a small close nit community the actions of the previous generation have a way making their way into the next. I didn’t like the way that I was just dropped into this world, but once I had a handle on all of the key players the story became quite interesting. The film has some flaws, but overall I found it pretty enjoyable.

——Tokyo Drifter——

(A)

The plot of this 1966 Seijun Suzuki film is almost incomprehensible, and yet the director is having so much fun ripping up genre conventions and painting the screen with vivid colors that all of that doesn’t really matter. Tokyo Drifter is a lot like what would happen if you made a gritty French New Wave film-noir in the style of a Technicolor MGM musical. The main character is even so cool that he sings his own theme song. I’m not exactly sure why but I enjoyed this film from start to finish, maybe because it is just so damn ballsy a film. The soundtrack is excellent and humor seems to worm its way into the film in ways you never would have expected. At one point the main character enters a saloon themed bar and as his plot unravels a little bit more a riot erupts for no other apparent reason other than the fact that that is something that happens all of the time in saloons. The color is amazing, most notably in the scene where right before someone is shot the screen behind him flashes red, or in the final scene where the main character enters a bar that looks more like a musical set that was once all yellow, is now all black, but as the shooting erupts changes all white. It’s really hard to describe why this movie is so great, you really just have to see it for yourself.

OK all, if you happened to actually read all of my Matrix Revolutions review and want a little more Revolutions Point/Counter-Point, here is a review my friend Josh wrote in response to my big long review. The more I think about it, the more I think Revolutions sucks. Josh seems to feel differently. Find out what he thought below.

——

The Matrix Revolutions: A

First of all, Benjamin Q. Merrell, the movie never ever promised to answer every question. It promised an ending. That’s all. It fulfilled the only promise it made, which was to provide a resolution to the story. It did that. Zion is saved. The mystery of the existence of the One is finally explained as far as it can really be explained. The war is over. So if it didn’t answer all the questions you wanted it to, then that is a matter of your expectations, not what the movie is or is not, did or did not provide. I never thought Revolutions would, or could, answer every question. And I like that it didn’t.

I didn’t particularly like some of the early scenes of the film. I particularly disliked two scene that ran back to back. The first, where Morpheus asks the technicians to search the matrix for Neo, even though he’s not plugged in. Then right after that, the doctor does her thing, “you know, i’ve seen brain waves like this… when somebody’s plugged in!!!” very lousy storytelling right there. Would’ve been better for the doctor to say something like she did in Morpheus’ presence, then have him have the idea that maybe he’s like that cause he’s actually plugged in! or some other comination of those two scenes. There didn’t need to be two. Whatever. This is, for me, a pretty minor thing. It’s the reason the movie’s not an A, but it’s not really a big deal for me.

Oh, and you’re not going to hear me talking about the final duel between Neo and Smith as the super burley brawl. I always hated that name anyway.

Okay. Question one. How did Neo blow up the sentinels? Do they give you a direct answer to that question? No. Can you figure it out by looking at what they do say? And what they do show? Absolutely. The story of Neo is the story of expanding consciousness. The three parts of the trilogy correspond to three questions, all about neo. In the matrix, it’s what am I? In reloaded, it’s why am I? finally, in revolutions, we get to the most fundamental question, who am I? in each film, neo expands his awareness of who he is, and as he does so, he reaches some new level of power. Neo is, through the course of the movies, made aware of a level of existece apart from physical form. In Neo, we have seen that with awareness brings power. When he truly understood the control he had over himself while inside the matrix, he became all but invinceable. When he is blinded, he can see the world as energy, and being able to see it, awareness is cemented, and he is able to exert power over that energy. Why? Because I think the filmakers are saying that the essential principle that governs Neo’s power in the matrix is applicable to the real world also. If you achieve a high enough level of awareness, then you can exert power over the form. we’ve already seen him do this, with the squiddie at the end of Reloaded, and returning, as he did, from death in the first film.. Why could he do that? Because the awareness had been introduced into his consciousness. He can destroy the machines through thought because he understands the power of thought–or energy–over form and is able to harness that power. Same in the first film. Is it a literal answer that the film provides? No. But the answer is there because the film is consistent in what it says, and how it depicts it. With each new level of awareness, a new level of power is attained.

Phew.

I disagree about Seti, also. I thought she was a wonderful addition to the film, providing a sense of purity, innocence, that had been missing from the films for some time.

As for the machines knowing more about love, I don’t know that that’s true. I think their programming simply allows them to express it with greater precision than humans. And I very much enjoyed the actor playing Seti’s father. I thought he brought a spark of life to the Wachowski’s somewhat portentious dialogue that was missing from Reloaded.

In general, by the way, I thought the acting was much much better in this film. Why? Because the script was better. Rather than structuring the film as a series of elaborate philosophical debates, Revolutions actually involves human drama. People dying, love lost, so on and so forth.

Anyway, you can say that the machine’s explaining things is bad writing, but it’s better writing than in Reloaded. Besides, does he really explain what love is? He says that love is just word, that what love really is is the connection that the word implies.

Anyway, I believe the love between Trinity and Neo because I saw it at the end of the first film. And in the sequels, I see it in Trinity’s eyes, and I hear it in her voice. And if I don’t see that sometimes in Neo, it’s not because it’s not there, but because he’s being swept away into other things. But when Neo says he’s in love, I believed that. But you said you’ve ever heard an explanation for why they love each other. Love is rarely explained easily.

I actually disgaree that the new Oracle is introduced seamlessly. They spent a good minute of screen time on dialogue meant to explain and excuse the switchover. And it’s only seammless if you’re not thinking, throughout, “they only did this because gloria foster died.” i agree that the switch works. the new oracle is a nice variation on the earlier model.

Okay. On to “club hell.” which is as stupid a name as the burley brawl, by the way. Anyhoo, I don’t disagree with you that the shootout was kind of underwhelming. But not because Trinity and Morpheus are “uber-Ones” and not because of the reasons you cited. It’s disappointing because the sequence is poorly shot and edited. Spatial relationships are destroyed so you never know where you are in the room, and as such the whole sequence felt almost claustrophobic to me. I’m glad it wasn’t just a repeat of the lobby sequence, though. I would’ve rather they just came in, shot down the guards, and stormed the club. But whatever.

Seraph: Seraph is, at no time in either film, depicted as being a warrior first. He is a guide, a guard. A broker of peace. What exactly were you expecting him to do? I didn’t want to see him be the showcase of his own fight. He isn’t a main character. He hasn’t earned that kind of status. The Wachowski’s used him within the parameters they had already established for him. Those parameters were enough for me. I thought the part was well acted, anyway.

I don’t know that you’re version would be better, either, I’m afraid. Sorry. We already understand why they’re going into the club. To save Neo. We don’t need a moment to make that clear. And Morpheus would never be the voice of “reason.” he always believes. Plus, it’s just a club.

As I said before, I basically agree that the action sequence with the weapons guys was kind of a throwaway, but no more so than the first fight between Neo and the agents in Reloaded. And I think generally Revolutions as a lot fewer self indulgent moments than Reloaded.

As in Reloaded, I think the Merovingian’s “rambling” is deceptive. He’s doing exactly what he was trying to do in Reloaded, which is to leverage whatever power he does or does not have to improve his own status, increase his own power. I think this sequence is also important because, throughout the early parts of the movie, we get a sense of the action shifting away from the actual matrix and the people inside. WHeras the Merovingian had quite a bit of leverage in Reloaded, here he has less, and wheras before, a gun to the head wouldn’t have gotten Trinity anything, here it does.

Why does the Merovingian keep his word? Good question. I agree that that’s something of a hole.

And Monica, well… Her face and her expressions were enough to keep me happy. Someone should put her in a slapstick sex comedy, and soon.
And no, someone could not have shot seraph, trinity, or morpheus, because those three were in the process of kicking the asses of anyone who would’ve shot them. Did I miss something?

Another reason why Neo and Trinity are in love: is it love? well, depends on what your definition of the word is. but their love is predicated on their mutual need for one another. neo could not get to the source without her, and she could not have survived as long as she has and come to understand as much as she does without him. they love each other because they have to love each other in order to do what they’re supposed to do. it goes back to purpose. they love each other because they’re supposed to love each other.

Yeah, it takes Neo four hours to figure out the dude is smith in a flesh suit. Of course, it’s not actually four hours. It’s about ffteen seconds in Reloaded in which Bane wishes him luck and doesn’t do anything that you’d otherwise call suspicious. Then they’re, let’s see, unconscious lying on slabs next to each other. Yes, Neo should’ve just known though. You think Neo should’ve just known that when Smith took over a plugged in person, that conquest would extend to the physical world? That’s true. Can’t imagine how Neo wouldnt figure that out. Anyway, as for the whole Mr. Anderson thing, yes, you might think Neo would figure it out sooner. But let’s say you didn’t know that Smith could transfer you into the real world. Wouldn’t the guy just sound like a nut job? Plus, Neo’s just watched the guy holdinga knife to Trinity’s throat. Do you really think he’s processing everything like he would under normal circumstances? Would you assume that the guy;s crazy and maybe THINKS he’s an agent, or would you think that it was actually agent smith. Hmm.

Anyway, the battle for Zion is, truly, an extraordinary sequence, like so many things in the movie.

Why would Locke suddenly change? At what point in the movie prior to the sentinels powering down has he seen anything to make him change his mind? Every victory they have is tempered by its inadequecy in stopping the machines.

As for the Kid, I can see why he would still be annoying. I’m not going to argue that point really, but I liked his storyline, and I’m impressed that a character given such a terrible intro in Reloaded actually works on his own terms in Revolutions. Plus, he makes for some nice comic relief.

Mifune fucking kicks ass. As do the APU’s.

Actually, I think the machine’s strategy is a good one. If you throw an overwhelming force at the APU’s, you’re much more likely to overwhelm them than if you go one at a time. If you send them everywhere at once, you’re ultimately just dilluting your fighting force, and making it easier, not harder, for the humans to pick them off one at a time. But fine. That’s a matter of strategy. To each their own.

Zee and Vasquez. Gee. I don’t know. I thought their sequences were pretty suspenseful. Whatever.

I did not notice a larger number of blacks in the orgy than in the fight. But I did notice that in the orgy, they focused on two white characters, neo and trinity. and in the battle sequence, they focused on two black characters–mifune and locke–and, after the logos (?) arrived, they threw in two more, morpheus and niobe. so do tell me what you think that means? i assume you’re implying that you found some racial issue here. there are many things you can say that are wrong with the matrix movies. i don’t really think racial or sexual politics are among them.

I loved the hovership chase. What a great sequence.

“Neo is now blind because of Bane/Smith. This actually matters very little, as Neo can pretty much see everything anyway because of his new Jesus in the machine vision.”

No. It matters a lot. The loss of his vision allows him to SEE. It’s all right to say that that’s a clumsy symbol, but I’d say it is effective and efficiently used in making a point. The loss of vision provides him with the ability to see the world from a new perspective, which alters his perceptions and cements the shift in consciousness required to allow him to make the journey to the source. This is a pivotal moment.

I don’t understand really what you found so disappointing about the jesus imagery. That is was so blatant, or that it existed at all? The journey of the One has always been messianic in nature. They pour on the religious imagery a little heavier than needed, but what movie doesn’t? Every movie in which the hero is ultimately sacrificed plays on the jesus imagery. Even Scarface.

I would hope you can buy the hovership going above the clouds. We’ve already seen that the hoverships can do more than just hover.

How did the sentinel go through Neo? The sentinel didn’t go through Neo. The Sentinel crashed into the front of the ship. The energy of the sentinel passed through neo and, for a moment, zapped him a little bit. Foreshadowing the transmission of energy through Neo by the Big Machine Baby Thing later on.

The ending is not, as you wrote, thrown away to the mystical. Because the mystical is the point of all this. The Big Baby Machine Thing is NOT a deus ex machina. It’s The Source, sisn’t it? And that’s been Neon’s destination since the beginning of the film, to reach the source. He does so.

Anyway, I’m not sure exactly what you’re referring to when you say that the ending is thrown away. You mean the end of the Neo/Smith fight? I assume so.

Anyway. Here’s my take on this. Neo goes into the matrix to defeat Smith. He emngages Smith for the third time in hand to hand combat. He finds that, once again, he cannot defeat Smith. Let me side track for a moment onto Smith. The Oracle says that Smith is Neo’s negative half. Yang to Neo’s Ying. He thus represents a part of Neo that has been seperated. The part of Neo’s programming that was overwritten onto Smith at the end of the Matrix? It would seem that in becoming THe One, Neo disrupted not only the natural order of the matrix, but the natural order of himself as well. Therefore, in the sequels, the challenge is, ultimately, to resolve the two warring factions. Make Neo whole again. Or, to put it another word, allow Neo to fully realize himself. How does he do this? By realizing that he cannot beat Smith, as he cannot beat himself. So he instead surrenders. Smith assimilates him. The part of Neo that was removed when he destroyed SMith is restored.

Smith was able to do what he did in Revolutions because he transcended the programing of the Matrix. As such, the matrix could not control him. The Big Bad Baby Thing needed Neo to become the One in order to re balance the equation, to remove the Smith factor. When Neo surrendered, that was achieved. And the Big Bad Baby Thing then used Neo as a conduit to restore the programming to its natural order. Thus the big explosiony thing.

Having restored the part of himself that he lost to Smith, and having been used to reboot the matrix, Neo has reached the end of his jourey. He has filled his function, and having come to a complete awareness of himself, he dies, his journey completed.

How is the Jesus thing too easy? First of all, it’s a little more complex than that. Second of all, this is a creative, wonderful way of exploring the Jesus figure to its fullest. I mean, Neo is, inmany ways, the most complete and fully realized Jesus figure since The Last Temptation of Christ. It’s where the movie has been headed all along. And it’s handled, for me, about as well as it could be.

Anyway, the ending is a victory, because it is not a defeat. Every other time, the war has ended in defeat for the humans. This time it has not. Not losing is, perhaps, the first step on the road to actual victory the next time. The peace will not last, says the oracle. But when it falters, the human’s will have a greater capacity to defend themselves.

Who wouldn’t choose to be in the matrix, given the alternative? Well, obviously there’s a pretty large population that wants that. Look at Zion. It’s about choice, and about desire. Do you want to live an illusion or not. If you don’t want to live a lie, if you want truth, then you want the truth no matter how unpleasant it might be.

The ending is not the same as every other incarnation of the matrix. it’s so clearly not that that i’m surprised you don’t see it, or if you do, that you don’t buy it. the circumstances at the end are totally different than what has come before. But whatever.

I basicaly loved Revolutions. I didn’t love everything about it. But I thought it was a more human work, dealing more in true emotion–and the circumstances that can evoke true emotion–than Reloaded. I thought it resolved the story in a way that I expected, but expressed that resolution in a way that surprised me. It has it’s faults, but they are, to me, minor. Revolutions is a thrilling conclusion to a trilogy that could’ve limped off into the night. Instead, it is as intriguing, mystifying, and exciting a film as I could’ve hoped for.

Anyway. I wish I could’ve written some of my points a little more clearly, specifically the “why” of Neo’s ability to defeat the squiddies. It’s the same reason that people can fly in Crouching Tiger, the same reason Neo can stop bullets in the matrix. Because thought sufficiently aware of itself as energy in physical form can exert control over the form. Damn. Still not quite as clear as I’d like it to be. Oh well. Hopefully you get the basic point. Do feel free to argue whatever point you want. But if you pull one of your, “I don’t care what the reason is, it was BORING” things I might have to slap you. You hear that? Huh? Tough guy?

OK, I know I said I’d post this Monday, but this review is so damn long and I have so many other movie reviews for Monday that I thought I’d jump the gun and give you my review today and not overwhelm you with reviews come Monday. Enjoy, and feel free to respond with your own questions, comments, or arguments.

——The Matrix Revolutions——

(B)

OK, first a general review for those who haven’t yet seen the movie, then a spoiler filled one for those who have. I found this movie to be both amazing and disappointing at the same time. Perhaps I had my expectations set up too high, but I doubt it if just because this film didn’t deliver on the promise that everything would now be revealed. Like the X-Files, whenever some questions are answered, three new ones spring up in their place. It also shouldn’t be surprising that the same problems that plagued Reloaded are in this movie too. There is still way too much exposition and philosophical dialog that is not phased in correctly with the rest of the film so that it all feels natural (like it did in the first film). There also seems to be a real problem in this film of scenes being there just to support other scenes, which leaves some scenes with an overabundance of self importance while leaving other scenes that could have been a lot cooler out in the cold. All that and pacing issues too (oh my!).

What’s good? Well the CGI special effects have gone above and beyond the call of duty in this film. George Lucas pay close attention, this is how you create realistic CGI that seamlessly incorporates itself with its live-action counterparts. Some of this CGI is just astounding, the battle for Zion against the machines and the Super Burly Brawl being obvious examples, but also Neo traveling to Machine city and what is probably the most exciting sequence, Niobe’s hovercraft race against the Sentinels to Zion. All great stuff. The battle for Zion gives you a great glimpse at what a Mechwarrior movie might look like, while the Super Burly Brawl better be what is in the filmmakers’ minds when they finally get around to the Superman movie.

Overall this was a really entertaining movie, but nowhere near as good as the first two. The sequel curse has worked it’s magic yet once again. Dear Lord, please let Return of the King be the first exception to the rule!

OK, now for the SPOILER section for all of you who’ve seen the film and want to discuss in more detail. Again, those who haven’t seen it yet should skip to the next review now.

The movie picks up right where it left off. Neo is stuck at the train station between two worlds. Why is this again? I didn’t really pick up on the why of that. Which brings us to probably one of the biggest, if not the biggest question from Reloaded: How the hell did Neo blow up those Sentinels??? Unfortunately this question is never really answered. I mean, I can accept the fact that Neo can jack himself into the Matrix without actually jacking in. We do have wi-fi technology now. It can’t be that hard for the One to turn himself into a cell phone, but again, how does that pertain to machines in the real world? How the fuck does he do THAT? Question one not answered.

Problem two comes from the “people” Neo meets in the train station. The young actress that plays Seti does a fine enough job (did you all notice the double meaning in her name?) but honestly, do we really need a child actor in this film? She was cute, but also groan inducing. Then you have her father, a machine or program or however you want to view it, explaining love to Neo. Has anyone else noticed that the humans seem more like machines and they need machines to teach them about love? Anyone? That’s just bad writing in my opinion, because I believed that he loved Seti more than I believe the unexplained love between Neo and Trinity. Honestly, other than the fact that the two of them look perfect as a couple, does anyone actually know why they love each other? Three movies later and I still don’t know why they love each other, except for maybe carnal lust. Ugh. Oh well, moving on. Here is a scene that could have been really trimmed down, especially to make room for the next scene which should have been a lot longer.

Morpheus and Trinity go to the Oracle and learn about how to get Neo back. One of the big pluses of this movie is that not only is the transition from one actress playing the Oracle to the other seamless and believable, but also that the new actress plays the role as good, if not better than Gloria Foster. It really works that we went from a more wisecracking smart-ass Oracle in the last two movies, to a more motherly one in this film. This works perfectly.

Anyway, the next scene, Club Hell. What could have been an amazing sequence akin to the lobby sequence in The Matrix was squandered in my opinion. This is a really key scene that was given the shaft because of the bloated nature of the rest of the film. For a movie all about “purpose” they seemed to have missed the whole purpose thing here. First there is the fight against the weapon collectors. What seemed initially to be pretty exciting was actually pretty dull. When did Morpheus and Trinity turn into uber One-like people? Why is it that the gun collectors are the ones running on the ceiling and flying through planes while Morpheus for the majority of the fight is just standing there firing away? Trinity, veteran of the lobby shoot-out gets some good licks in, but doesn’t really do anything new or special. And then there is Seraph, king of the pointless action sequence. How could someone who looks so cool do so little? Anyway, that part is rushed, and then they go into the actual club itself, which is also a rushed scene. Wouldn’t it be cooler if this sequence had the same quality of the lobby sequence, in that say, Morpheus said that it was madness to go into Club Hell and Trinity was all like but I BELIEVE I can do it, because of her love and belief in Neo? I think so. Kind of like the Freeway sequence, that I know I can do the impossible feeling. Nope, that’s not here. Instead we get another throwaway action sequence when they meet the Merovingian (am I to believe that not a single person could get a shot off while the three of them did all of their kicking and punching?) and more rambling from the Merovingian, but instead of being a silly sex farce with double meaning, this time he is just plain annoying repeating the same damn old things. That and the fact that Persephone gets only one line make this one of the most disappointing parts of the movie.

Thankfully though this sequence also features the best special effect of the whole movie, Monica’s amazing bosom. I found my eyes quite frequently roaming to the bottom right hand side of the screen.

So Neo and Trinity are reunited (yea) (which brings the question, why not just strand Trinity with Neo. Two for the price of one, baby!). Neo is back in the land of the living, and then he decides to go off to do the impossible, while Niobe does a little impossible act of her own. Which brings me to Bane…

OK, Neo is the One, right? He’s obviously done something right to get to this point. And yet it takes him FOUR HOURS to figure out that Bane is really Agent Smith. Now, I know that it is kind of hard to believe that Smith could even do such a thing, but come on. He has a billion bodies in the Matrix, why not one in the real one. OK, first clue that Bane is Agent Smith: when someone you rarely talk to is trying to kill you, and keeps calling you MR. ANDERSON in that weird way that Hugo Weaving made famous, that, my friends, is your first fucking clue. Damn it Neo, get your head out of your ass and save Trinity, you bitch.

Now, the big showdown, the battle of Zion. This whole sequence is pretty damn cool. The special effects are AMAZING here. There is so much good here. But like usual in this film, there are some things that could be changed. First off, Locke is still a giant dick. I’m disappointed. I mean, he makes lots of good points, but never without coming off as the biggest asshole in the world. I wish just once he would actually sound like he really did know what he was talking about. Also, while Kid is redeemed a little bit here, he’s still annoying. Can’t really help that.

The Battle: the APU’s or whatever they are called were bitchin’. Captain Mifune was especially bitchin’. The effects of the multitude of Sentinels were amazing looking. But obviously this sequence chose style over reality. Does it really make any sense that the Sentinels should make a tentacle arm out of themselves, and thus become one giant target for the humans? I mean, think about it: How many times have they destroyed Zion? And this is the most efficient way to do it? I’d have them scatter and take out ever APU right off the bat. The battle should have taken like five minutes for the machines to kick the humans’ asses. Oh well, it looks better this way.

But then there is Zee and “Vasquez”. (So obvious here that they are ripping off a character from Aliens.) Here is some damn bad editing. Why, God, why do we have to watch in agonizing boredom every step of walking out, checking for a target, and then actually loading the rocket launcher in REAL TIME? These sequences should have been like 15-30 seconds tops. Slam, slam, fire, cut. That’s it. I could go out and get some ridiculously overpriced popcorn in the time it takes for Zee to take her time loading that damn thing while people die. What the hell? Cut that down and we could have had another great action sequence, or even better, some realistic dialog. Wouldn’t that be great?

(ALSO: Did anyone else notice that while in the orgy sequence of Reloaded 90% of the people there were black, in the battle sequences of Revolutions 90% of the people fighting were white? Hmm…I’m not going to say anything more. I’ll leave you to figure out what exactly that means.)

Meanwhile, Niobe is flying the hell out of that hovership making this one of the coolest close quarters race to the finish since the Millennium Falcon flew out of the exploding Death Star. This sequence is just great all around.

Neo is now blind because of Bane/Smith. This actually matters very little, as Neo can pretty much see everything anyway because of his new Jesus in the machine vision. The symbolism (as that’s all that’s left) is lost on me. Anyway, the flight in is pretty cool. I’m not exactly sure how they managed to get a hovership above the clouds (whatever, I’ll buy it) but what the hell does it mean when the Sentinel goes THROUGH Neo? Damned if I know. This whole section involves a huge suspension of disbelief. Then they crash, Trinity dies and yet the only thing Neo can’t see at this point is the twenty poles sticking out of her. The death scene felt a little overly sappy to me, but otherwise was OK, and then Neo meets Deus Ex Machina.

OK, those last three words I wrote should set off a few alarms here. Why? Because that’s exactly what happens. After a great build up the ending is just thrown away to the mystical. Whatever. But before we get into that, let’s talk about the Super Burly Brawl.

Although this is Burly Brawl part two, only one Smith actually fights, which is interesting and yet a very good thing, as I’m not really sure how they would pull off Neo versus millions. The special effects here are amazing. They aren’t especially flashy, and yet that’s why they are so good–they don’t draw attention to themselves. Aw man, if the Superman movie looks like this it is going to kick serious ass. I should also mention at this point the great Agent Smith/Hugo Weaving. This guy makes the movie. In a movie filled with bland one-dimensional characters, Hugo raises the bar for how cool a movie villain can be. Damn he is awesome.

Anyway, the fight is amazing. I could have used a little more real life fight stunts to offset the special effects, because honestly real life stunts always feel more compelling than CGI ones. But whatever. Then the fight starts to get into the neither one can really stop the other one, and then suddenly Neo decides he’s got to become Jesus. This feels too easy, and also too damn lame. I get the whole yin/yang thing, but still this could have been done better. And also, it fails to answer every major question I had following the end of Reloaded.

What exactly just happened? The war was fought to a stalemate this time, the two sides called a truce. But how is this really different than what usually happens? So Zion gets to stay. What happens when the people overgrow it? Where do they go? The whole damn world is scorched. Sure, now you get the choice of whether or not you want to be plugged into the Matrix, but who the hell would not want to be? What really is there in the real world other than the peace of mind that comes with knowing that this is really what is real? The Oracle acts like she won something special, but really she only won the most recent of a constant stream of chest games with the Architect. The whole thing becomes a giant metaphor with no real meaning. What a let down.

While the movie was amazing (and I’ll definitely see it again) I still feel really let down by the Wachowski Brothers. What the hell? This was good, but Reloaded was definitely the better film. Revolutions pertains not to the revolutionary aspect of the movie breaking new boundaries, but of the fact that the Matrix has just come full circle and nothing has really changed. It’s fun with no substance, which is a giant no-no of the Matrix movies. Shame on them.

OK, I just saw The Matrix Revolutions. Expect a big review for the Monday Movie Review, but I thought since it is the Matrix, I’d give you a little sneak peak today:

Watching the final chapter of the Matrix trilogy is a lot like the satisfaction of finishing a good book. No actual revalations or special things really happen. But you finished the book dammit, and that’s all that matters. At least it isn’t dog eared and sitting at the top of your book shelf. At least it wasn’t all a dream.

OK, does anyone else find KFC’s new “Chicken is good for you” ad campaign a little pathetic? I mean come on, eating at KFC isn’t good for you. Who are you kidding? Anything you eat out of a BUCKET isn’t healthy eating.

Also, does anyone else find the new “Tobacco is wacko” ad campaign lame? Not only is that a lame catch phrase that no teen would ever respond to (come on, tobacco is wacko? WACKO???) but then they add in small letters underneath that the words “If you are a teen.” What? So the message you are trying to send out is that you shouldn’t smoke, but if you wait until you are 18 it’s OK? What? That’s a real strong message you got there. That’s the worst anti-cigarette ad I’ve ever seen. Why don’t you give the kids a pack of cigarettes and just get it all over with.

Any thoughts, or other bad ad campaigns you want to bitch about?

——Dead or Alive——

(C+)

Aside from some good direction and some weird-ass mind-blowing opening and beginnings there is really not much of a reason to watch this movie. The majority of the film is slow and kind of dull, and after about 45 minutes you’ll start to beg for the end, which by the way is the most fucked up ending ever. You might want to watch the film if just for that, but as it is only about 30 seconds long it is probably not worth it.

The plot is that of a basic cop trying bring down a new yakazu gang variety. Besides the opening where for three minutes various plots of sex and violence are cut together to crazy heavy metal music and a cool gun fight towards the end there is not really much else to interest you for the rest of the film. There is a side plot about the cop trying to find money for his daughter’s operation, and some fighting between the yakazu and a new Triad gang, but none of it is all that compelling and the camera is always at an obscure distance away from the objects it is shooting, creating some confusion half of the time as to who is doing what. The gunfight towards the end is a nice display of ultra-violence, but not really anything special that you have to check out.

Then there is the ending. I’m going to spoil it for you since you’ll probably never see the movie anyway. (If you for some reason do want to see the movie, skip to the next review.) The movie ends with the lead gangster and the cop facing off in a field. After some side violence with the minions the two face off and unload a clip each into each other. The end, right? Well, as they are slumping to the ground they suddenly stop and groan or something, and then the cop pulls a rocket launcher out of his back. The gangster, not one to be out done, pulls A BALL OF ENERGY out of his back. Thus far the entire movie has been a straight gangster movie. Now the weirdness starts. The gangster throws the ball of energy at the cop, and the cop shoots it out of the air with his rocket. Cut to a really crappy 3-D map of the world that you would expect to see during the weather report on the local news. Then watch as an even crappier looking supernova erupts from Japan and wipes out the whole earth. The end.

——Menace II Society——

(B+)

This was kind of an interesting movie. Not fantastic or anything but it did take the American gangster movie to a new level by setting it in LA with black characters. The writing wasn’t great, but I did like how every action the main character took (good and bad) during the course of the movie caught up with him at the very end, in a very sort of Greek tragedy kind of way. The point of the movie then becomes something of a lesson about how young black males in the hood don’t take accountability for their actions, which is something that very much will come to bite them on the ass one day. I could almost go into a discussion of causality much like in the Matrix Reloaded, but I think I’ll stop there and just say that it is a pretty decent flick.

——Yojimbo——

(A)

This just happens to be one of the most western Westerns ever made, which is saying a lot since it has to do with samurai in feudal Japan. Everything, from the setting of the abandoned town run by gangsters to the mood and tone to even the music have the feeling of a Western written all over it. No wonder Leone had such an easy time almost copying it shot for shot when he made A Fistful of Dollars.

I love the comic tone of the movie, with characters that although they are sort of two-dimensional they still jump right off the screen with personality. I also like the almost tragic ending where in a moment of finally doing something selfless for a woman and her family his act is figured out and he almost loses everything because of that at that point. A great, fun movie, with some great blink and you’ll miss him kill three people sword fights filled with classic Kurosawa imagery.

——Five Fingers of Death——

(B)

Finally, some kung fu movies. All right!

The plot of this film is that a kung fu student learns all that he can with his older master, so he travels to a bigger kung fu school where he quickly excels and is finally allowed to learn the secret of iron fist. Meanwhile, a tournament is coming up and a rival school wants to hedge their bets by taking out the other school. They bring in all sorts of notorious characters to take down the other school, including three Japanese men, but even after the main character has his hands broken he is still able to learn iron fist and win at the tournament.

The movie doesn’t end there though, as the main character goes to the other school to take down those that wronged him (talk about unlucky; not one but TWO of his masters died!). The final battle is the coolest, with all sorts of great fighting and some cool destruction of inanimate objects. The film as a whole tends to wander from time to time, and is some times confusing (I didn’t realize that their were two girls lusting for his affections, I thought they were both the one) but overall there is a lot of great action and surprises.

Also it should be noted that the soundtrack sounds very similar to a lot of the stuff in Kill Bill. For one, The Bride’s revenge theme where the colors go yellow and you zoom in on her eyes is taken directly from this movie. But also, a lot of the soundtrack actually sounds like that of a spaghetti western, which is pretty cool.

——The Kid with the Golden Arm——

(B+)

Although this film lacks in plot (a gang is trying to steal gold that is meant to help out a starving province and…well, that’s about it) it makes up for it with plenty of kick ass action. The guy who plays the drunken master is amazing, as every fight he has, but especially the ones with Iron Coat and Golden Arms, is mind-blowing. The fight between Short and Long Ax verses Silver Spear is also pretty spectacular. No wire-fu here, just lots of really impressive kung fu hand to hand, weapon to weapon or–in the case of Golden Arms, who can stop swords with his bare arms–hand to weapon combat. The movie is campy as hell, but in a good way as only a movie led by a drunken master can be. Besides, some of the fights left my jaw on the floor. Definitely worth seeing.

——Shaolin Master Killer——

(A-)

This is a good old training movie (think Karate Kid) in which Gordon Liu joins a Shaolin monastery in the hopes that they will teach him kung fu so that he can take down the evil Manchu’s who are killing innocent people and hanging the revolutionaries in public. This is a pretty long movie in kung fu terms (almost two hours long) but it is never dull. The training sequences are pretty cool and brutal (my favorite is the one where you have to increase your head strength by head butting bags of sand, which until you are good at it makes you look like a drunken sailor tumbling out of a bar) and once the fighting starts the duels are just amazing.

I can see why Gordon Liu is such a superstar since when he fights, instead of it looking staged like movie fights usually do his fights look like the real deal, and are cool as hell. In order to pass the final test of the temple he invents a chained three-piece staff that he does some really bitch-ass stuff with. Gordon Liu is just awesome in this movie. A Must See kung fu movie.

——Whale Rider——

(A)

It says a lot about any movie that even despite its slow nature you remain utterly enthralled throughout the film, and Whale Rider is no exception. I liked this movie a lot. I really enjoyed the fact that even though from the very moment that the movie starts you know what is going to happen in the end and yet the film keeps on surprising you all the way through. The acting is great and the project seems very personal to everyone involved with it. The cinematography is beautiful. A recommended movie.

——Better Luck Tomorrow——

(A-)

This movie feels a lot like what you would get if Fight Club was about overachieving Asian high schoolers instead of 30 year old white guys. There are a lot of the same themes going on here (as well as practically the exact same soundtrack), where a bunch of brainy Asian kids sick of doing everything they do to get into a good college decide to use their brains to commit crimes for themselves. Sometimes the direction is a little overdone and the film is a little heavy handed but I liked it a lot despite its few flaws.

——Kill Bill Volume 1——

(A)

Yeah, I saw it again. So sue me. As I finally got a chance to go to the movies with my dad, combined with the fact that Bennington has shit new movies (Scary Movie 3? No thank you. Good Boy? Please. Where is Mystic River?) and the fact that I love this movie made this a good opportunity to see it again. My dad actually quite enjoyed the film, and (unlike Mike, who could not see the spaghetti western references when I mentioned how cool they were, despite the fact that this was the second time he saw the film) the first thing my dad mentioned was how much it reminded him of a Clint Eastwood Western. I was so proud.

This time watching it I just kind of went along for the ride. This movie is so damn cool. The fight scenes are amazingly well shot and choreographed for someone who has never done this before, which is such a great testament to how well a job Tarantino did with this film. The anime sequence never ceases to shock either. God, that is violent. Also, Gordon Liu takes on new levels of cool after seeing Shaolin Master Killer. I suggest you check that movie out. Can’t wait for Volume 2. (At least now with Revolutions coming out I’ll have something new to check out in the theater.)

——Return of the Five Deadly Venoms——

(B+)

Despite the title this movie actually has nothing to do with the Five Deadly Venoms, other than the fact that the acting troupe that made Five Deadly Venoms also stars in this. The Chinese title is more something like the Cripple Avengers, the name change made solely to attract American audiences after the success of Five Deadly Venoms. (Note: The Five Deadly Venoms crew made a whole slew of movies, including The Kid with the Golden Arm, which I reviewed before.)

Anyway, the plot of this movie is a little silly and the majority of the film is kind of slow, but it is all worth it for the final 30-45 minutes of the film, which are just amazing. The plot: A master of Tiger style kung fu pisses some people off and to get revenge they cut off the legs of his wife and the arms of his son. His wife dies, but the son lives on, disfigured forever. The Father takes revenge by not only killing the people responsible, but then he also waits for their sons to grow up before maiming them. Not exactly the nicest guy, he then starts taking his anger out on random people. When one man stares too long at his son’s iron arms they blind him; another man bumps into them on the street so they cut off his legs; yet another man, a blacksmith, fires his mouth off so they make him deaf and dumb. The three cripples try to survive together on the mercy of the blacksmith, but the Father is such a bitch that he then says that no one can hire the blacksmith. A wandering knight sees their plight and goes to avenge them, only to be defeated and then made into a childlike idiot.

The three cripples discover where their would-be avenger came from, and go there to get help. There they learn not only how to get around their handicaps, but also learn kung fu (all in three years, and of course they become kung fu geniuses). The four of them then go back to take vengeance on their attackers (although really only the blind one and the deaf one do most of the fighting. The dumb one is there mostly for comic relief and the leg-less one only appears to kick any tough guys the other two can’t beat with his iron legs). That’s where all of the goodness comes in. The two of them take on thirty men at a time and kung fu masters, like the guy who uses short swords or the guy who uses the ball and chain (very much like Gogo in Kill Bill) which all leads up to the stunning finale against the father and son. These fights go on forever (in a good way) and are done in LONG takes, the whole things looking like beautifully choreographed Chinese Opera. It’s almost more dancing than it is fighting, the only difference being eventually someone dies. Although the first half of the movie is more in the C range, the ending definitely deserves an A.

——The New One-armed Swordsman——

(C)

This movie isn’t that great. It doesn’t help that my DVD is actually just a copy of the full screen video transfer, but the plot is pretty stiff too. A swordsman is tricked into fighting an evil kung fu master who uses a chained three-piece staff, and when he is defeated he has to cut off his own arm. He then lives the lowly life of a cripple servant in an inn until another swordsman helps him save a girl he secretly has a crush on. The two become brothers until the evil master tricks the other swordsman and has him killed when he won’t cut off his arm and go into retirement like the first swordsman did. The One-armed Swordsman then avenges his friend by taking on an army by himself.

The climax where he kills fifty men on a bridge and then the evil master is pretty decent, but I’ve seen better. Otherwise the movie is slow and not very compelling. I’d pass on this one.

Anyone else notice that energetic looks like he is getting high? Notice how his pupils are dialating and how that big grin grows on his face.

For any of you that are curious, here are numbers for the end of October.

For October:

Movies I’ve seen: 40
Movies I’ve seen for the first time: 28
Movies I’ve seen in the theater: 6

For the year:

Movies I’ve seen: 283
Movies I’ve seen for the first time: 181
Movies I’ve seen in the theater: 44

If you aren’t watching Survivor now, well, shame on you. This is only the most exciting, fresh, surprise-filled excellent season of Survivor since the very first one. It’s like watching the show for the very first time, it’s so good. No week is without its fair share of drama. The cast of Survivors is the most interesting group yet. There are surprises thrown in all over the place, and none of them seem lame. And the pirate theme? Not only is it the coolest theme for a Survivor ever, but the show has used the theme extremely well in dictating the new wacky rules of the game.

Need an example? How about this week’s twist where the Outcasts (i.e., those not cool enough to stay on the island for 18 days) came back as a third tribe in order to try to win their way back on to the island. Both Drake and Morgan lose and have to go to tribal council, and two of the Outcasts get to come back on the show to shake things up. Sweet! (And note that there are 4 tribal councils going on in two days’ time. Crazy!) Shawn gets the boot from Drake (I have to say that I’d rather see Jon go, but I can’t blame them for wanting to kick Shawn’s lazy whining “I do everything the way I want to” ass out). And then there is Morgan and silly Oston.

Black males haven’t really been representing their race well on Survivor. Remember Gervice, the giant woosy boy from the first Survivor? Well, every black male that’s been on the show since seems be have been cut out of Gervice’s lazy, yet muscular, overconfident and yet never really contributing his fair share to challenges, afraid of nature and afraid of water cloth. I guess that makes Oston the Omega Gervice, because not only is Oston afraid of a pelican, so adverse to water that he needed his tribe mates to save him in one challenge, and so willing to give up despite the fact that he’s huger than everyone else on the show combined (he wanted out for the first time on like, day six (6)!) that when all of those things are combined, he has also become the very first person in Survivor history to just give up and walk off the show. What a baby. My body is my temple my ass. You know how many people would kill to be on Survivor?

Jeff Probst’s anger with Oston visibly showed. (Anyone else notice that Jeff has been having some anger management issues this season? That boy needs to remember that he is just the host of a reality show.) Short of berating him to within an inch of his life and then pissing all over his face, Jeff was trying to do every single thing he could think of to call Oston out and get him back into the game. But despite Jeff, and then having all of his teammates tell him that he’s nuts to just give up, Oston stayed firm in being unapologetic about wanting to save his pretty body from the elements (which makes you wonder: If he had put that much energy into wanting to stay, couldn’t he have actually won the game???). Not only did Oston not get a final words segment (BURN!) but Jeff also took his torch and laid it on ground instead of keeping it with the other snuffed torches (DOUBLE BURN!). Oh god, do I love you Survivor.

So in short, if you haven’t been watching Survivor this season, what the hell are you waiting for? Surely the final season to Friends can’t be that important to you? Fuck Friends. You won’t find TV this good anywhere else.

Jolly good, wot! Anyone for tennis? That’ll be ten ponies, guv. You’re the epitome of everything that is english. Yey 🙂 Hoist that Union Jack!

How British are you?

this quiz was made by alanna

Jeez, I guessed on half of the questions. I guess it isn’t really that hard to be British.