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Step aside, Frodo; get out of the way, Indiana Jones. What may be the most anticipated DVD package since the advent of the format is finally hitting stores: the initial ”Star Wars” trilogy. Lucasfilm and 20th Century Fox announced Monday that they’ll release on Sept. 21 a four-disc set that includes the long-awaited DVD debuts of ”Star Wars,” ”The Empire Strikes Back,” ”The Return of the Jedi,” and a fourth disc of supplemental materials, including cast interviews. But there is a catch, young Padawans.

The rub: the DVDs won’t contain the original theatrical versions of the films, even as alternate DVD tracks. Rather, they will contain only George Lucas’ digitally revised ”special editions” that were released theatrically in 1997. ”The original versions technically don’t exist,” says Lucasfilm’s Jim Ward, the project’s executive producer, according to USA Today. ”[Lucas] wanted to represent the films as they exist in his mind, and that’s the special-editions versions.” Call it a Jedi mind trick — these aren’t the extras you’re looking for.

“We realize there’s a lot of debate out there,” says Ward. “But this is not a democracy. We love our fans, but this is about art and filmmaking. [George] has decided that the sole version he wants available is this one.”

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What the fuck is that? They don’t exist? Are you telling me that my fucking childhood doesn’t exist, you rat bastard Lucas??? He’s officially gone mad. He should join Micheal Jackson down at the courthouse for crimes against nature. Is it really too much to release BOTH versions of the film? FUCKER! That’s it, I’m boycotting all things Star Wars until he announces that he’s releasing the original trilogy as they were MEANT to be. Yeah, you heard me Lucas. What are you going to do about it, huh bitch?

And now I heard from a friend that he’s going to rework the trilogy again to box them up with Episodes 1-3 to make some sort of Ultimate Edition. Where does it end?

A part of me is officially dead today.

——The Great Silence——

(A)

This is definitely probably the bleakest Western you’ll ever see, spaghetti or otherwise, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still a damn fine film. Let it be known that the ending is extremely depressing, but its brilliance is only made more apparent after you watch the “happy” ending made for North African audiences (they loved spaghetti Westerns; who knew?) that makes absolutely no sense, as pretty much every character that dies in the movie mysteriously rises from the dead to save the day. It’s pretty funny.

One of the really notable things about this movie is that there is snow. I don’t know why, but the genre seems to forgotten about the stuff, which makes its inclusion in this movie all the more striking. A bounty hunter named Loco is tracking down outlaws hiding in the wilderness waiting for amnesty while another man named Silence (because he can’t talk, obviously) is taking out bounties on the bounty hunters by the families and outlaws affected by the slaughter. Both men take out the same price to kill a man, a both men won’t fire unless it is self-defense, so you know a big showdown is going to take place. It just doesn’t end quite the way you think it will.

Anyway, before I start giving away major plot points let’s just say the movie is really well made, and the score by Ennio Morricone (a genius of spaghetti Western soundtracks) is fantastic. About the only really bad thing I can say about it is that the voice acting doesn’t always quite give the proper dramatic impact to some of the lines, but as that really isn’t that big a deal you should all check this movie out.

——Sisters——

(A)

This might be my favorite Brian De Palma film so far. It moves along like a well-oiled Hitchcock thriller, and yet the ending is so bizarre and macabre that you know you’re not just in for a crappy remake of Psycho. I think this is a really excellent movie to watch to see the power of a split-screen shot, as in one sequence it perfectly ups the tension in a part where cross-cutting could have been done, but wouldn’t have been nearly as powerful. And wow, the ending has to just be seen to be believed. It’s a whole new level of fucked up. It will definitely have you squirming in your seat.

The soundtrack by Bernard Herrman is just perfect and, notably for a De Palma film, the acting is solid and the writing and dialog work great. This is a wonderful, tight thriller that is just bizarre enough to perhaps merit cult status and definitely merit repeat viewings.

——Once Upon a Time in Mexico——

(A)

This is one of my favorite films of last year and the good news is that after having seen it twice before, the plot makes total sense, making the film just THAT much more enjoyable. No longer are you scratching your head trying to figure out who this new character is and you can just enjoy the movie for what it is: fast, well done action tied together with fantastic acting. Johnny Depp was good in Pirates of the Caribbean, but he really should have got his Oscar nomination for this film. He completely makes this movie and has so many classic lines that I just lost track long ago of how many there are. Nothing is greater than the section where he is talking with Antonio about how good the pork is and how he has to kill the cook because it is so good. So many great lines AND he actually kills the cook. For me this is a Must See movie.

——Dark City——

(C)

While I respect this movie for what it is trying to do, it just doesn’t work. The production design, camera work, editing, cinematography, and costumes are all top notch, and the idea behind it is a good one, but it all falls apart under the weight of its good idea. While the good idea is extremely interesting it doesn’t lend itself well at all to a compelling story. It’s all plot and no character, because no one really HAS a character. Thus you are left with outstanding visuals propping up a barely there short story idea. And plus, the Strangers have just about the shittiest concept design ever. They look so lame! Although you might want to watch this movie to see how cool it looks, like Metropolis, the movie it steals heavily from, it is all visuals with not much heart, and I have to give it a pass.

Bonus: For all Alias fans who like Melissa George, check out this movie to see her back in the day, playing a prostitute who gets naked! I have to say, she’s got a nice body.

Special Bonus: Check out the shot at the end where Jennifer Connelly is standing at the end of a pier in a sundress that looks exactly like the shot in Requiem for a Dream. But wait, there’s more! Apparently in The House of Sand and Fog there is another very similar shot. None of the directors claim to have known about the coincidence until after they made the film, and all three shots contain Jennifer! Weird.

——Big Trouble in Little China——

(C-)

While I definitely have to give this movie so major points for trying (it’s uber-wacky, just how I love them) that still doesn’t excuse the fact that this is a pretty crappy movie on the whole. Things just happen for no reason, and characters rush off into danger with little to no motivation whatsoever. It’s just mind-boggling how little anything is thought out.

I know some might take offense to the things I’m saying, as this is a personal childhood favorite of theirs, but in all fairness the next day I happened to catch Ernest Goes to Camp on TV. It was definitely one of my very favorite movies when I was a kid (possibly explaining why I went off on some crazy rant on summer camp movies when I was high this one time, but that’s another story), but while I was grinning watching it reliving childhood memories, that didn’t really mask the fact that it is a really crappy movie. I mean, it’s really bad. But whatever, this was fun enough to tide me over while I was watching, but I doubt I’d recommend anyone go see this if they haven’t already.

——Suicide Kings——

(C-)

This movie starts off promising enough, but it doesn’t take you long to realize this is just a pale Tarantino rip-off film, filled with dialog about nothing, but dialog that unfortunately does nothing to advance the plot. So there is that strike against it. And then there is the fact that just about every character is EXTREMELY annoying. Like, I want to hit them annoying. That’s pretty much everyone except for Christopher Walken who is great as always and Dennis Leary, who has a great part, but unfortunately for the movie as a whole doesn’t have shit to do with shit. His subplot just goes off into La-la Land. And then, just to top it all off, the ending SUCKS. It really sucks. Definitely not worth seeing.

Bonus: The girl that is “kidnapped” is none other than Evil Marie from Season 2 of 24!

——Monster——

(A)

I’m not really the biggest fan of beautiful actresses getting ugly for movies and then winning lots of awards for being so “fearless” with their acting. The last two Best Actress Oscars went to women who went this road (Nicole in the Hours and Hallie in Monster’s Ball) and honestly I thought those two performances were subpar at best. It was with great reluctance that I saw Monster (not really, it was an indie playing at my local theater! Whoo hoo!), since it is pretty obvious that this year’s Oscar is going to go to yet another pretty actress getting herself ugly. I was pleasantly surprised, however, to see that Charlize’s acting in this movie was amazing, and the film was excellent to boot too.

The writing for this is excellent, the acting top notch, and the story is perfectly balanced so that you see Charlize’s character as both the monster of the title and as a sympathetic victim of circumstance. It’s powerful stuff, and as my dad said, “it wasn’t half as depressing as I was expecting”. I’m not really sure I know what that means, but it must be a good thing. I think he was probably referring to the fact that the movie isn’t all killing and depression, but actually has a pretty great love story with Christina Ricci as its heart. I totally love this movie, and think it is one of the best of 2003.

——The Secret Lives of Dentists——

(B+)

This is a pretty decent movie that’s well made and has Dennis Leary in it to boot (score!). The story is about a dentist whose marriage is starting to fall apart when he realizes that his wife is having an affair, but instead of confronting her on it he talks to his imaginary patient (Dennis Leary) in his head. The movie also deals a lot with his family though, which is where I think the movie starts to drift off course, as though it is well done it also distracts from the focus of the film, which is never properly resolved. It’s still a pretty good film, and worth seeing I think.

——American Splendor——

(A)

This wasn’t really a movie I was dying to see or anything. It didn’t sound too appealing to me, nor did the idea behind it really excite me. I thought the use of the real Pekar might be lame. Turns out I was completely wrong about all of these things, as the movie was a joy to see and the multimedia worked together perfectly. The dialog is just perfect really. Some of the lines are just great examples of excellent screenwriting. And the use of the real Pekar with the actor Pekar gels perfectly, as the story is about a man who created a comic that was really just about his real life, and the movie is a perfect mirror of that relationship. It’s as if the story is fictional and autobiographical at the same time, and the structure reflects that with the narrator being the real Pekar taking about what the fictional Pekar is about to do. But then you see the real Pekar in an almost documentary fashion adding yet another layer to the story, making it all that much more poignant. Fantastic.

A wonderful movie I think is one of the best of 2003.

CBS said that instead of the usual five-second delay that it uses for some live telecasts where verboten language may be uttered, it will use a five-minute delay during the Grammys. ABC said it would do something similar for the Oscars.

Uh, what? Overreact much? Yeah, like everyone is going to now be flashing their tits on TV. Anyway, why the hell do you think I watch live TV? It’s those little slip ups that really make life interesting.

More Boobygate backlash: According to TheSmokingGun.com, a Tennessee woman has filed a proposed class action lawsuit, claiming Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl striptease caused TV viewers to “suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury.” Terri Carlin, 47 — a Knoxville bank employee — named Miss Jackson, Justin Timberlake, CBS, MTV, Viacom and pretty much anyone her lawyer could think of as defendants in the case. Meanwhile, Laguna Beach High has cited Janet’s scandal as the reason for nixing MTV’s plans to film students’ lives at the California school. To sum up, the whole world’s gone mad.

… STILL CONTINUING: ‘N Sync’s JC Chasez is furious at the NFL for pulling him from this weekend’s Pro Bowl halftime show in the wake of boobygate. “I have had a great relationship with the NFL in the past and feel that I have been mistreated,” says the 27-year-old, who turned down the league’s offer to sing the national anthem instead. “While I agree the mishap at the Super Bowl was a huge mistake, the NFL’s shallow effort to portray my music as sexually indecent brings to mind another era when innocent artists were smeared with a broad brush by insecure but powerful people,” Chasez added. “That’s not the America I love. Nor is this the NFL I love. I’ll sing the national anthem anytime, anywhere, but not for this NFL.”

The fallout over Boobygate continues: Janet Jackson will apparently not appear at Sunday’s Grammy Awards, where she was slated to introduce a tribute to ailing R&B singer Luther Vandross. According to reports, CBS rescinded her invitation in the wake of her Super Bowl striptease. The network declined to comment. Meanwhile, NBC has removed a scene from tonight’s ER that would have shown a female patient’s bare breast because “the atmosphere created by this week’s events has made it too difficult for many of our affiliates to air this shot.” Finally, the NFL has yanked ‘N Syncer JC Chasez’s halftime performance from this weekend’s Pro Bowl game and replaced it with some Hawaiian dancers.

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Is anyone else bothered by how big this has become? What a joke this is. It was a fucking accident people! Her bra ripped. Why not take issue with all of the men of the night degrading women, huh? No no, then men would actually have to be accountable for their actions. It’s easier to blame the booby. It’s also nice how CBS has already found itself of any wrong doing. This is just like George W. saying he’s going to find out the truth behind our Iraq intellegence…after the next election. This is like talking about how horrible GTA: Vice City is, and not even mentioning (or knowing about) Manhunt, a much more graphic and disturbing game. And what the hell is this about JC Chasez? What the heck do they even think he is going to do? Jesus, America has always got the wrong things on her mind.

Oh, but Boobygate is an AWESOME name.

On Super Bowl Sunday, millions of American children lost their innocence, and we’re still reeling. They — all of us, really — tuned in to CBS to celebrate what a recent Gallup poll affirmed is our country’s favorite sport. What we expected — and what we got — were, for the most part, the usual simple pleasures of the day: Cheerleaders shaking their tails, erectile dysfunction ads, Nelly grabbing his crotch, a horse farting in a woman’s face in an attempt to sell beer.

And then Janet Jackson had to go and vulgarize everything.

There is nothing more embarrassing to behold — not even a marching band playing an OutKast song while trying to dance, keep their plumed hats balanced, and not drop their tubas — than a pair of multibillion-dollar behemoths attempting to simulate outrage while fanning themselves and rearranging their petticoats. Was Janet’s breast filled with plutonium? Because nothing else could explain the umbrage taken by both the NFL and Viacom, which owns CBS as well as the halftime show’s producer, MTV. CBS chief Les Moonves promised an investigation (in a stunner, the network found itself not guilty), and NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue let his rhetorical sails billow with indignation, reportedly vowing to change ”our policies, our people, and our processes.” From all the self-righteous fury, you’d have thought Enron execs had been caught feeding steroids to Michael Jackson’s baby.

As if they cared. There’s no disputing that Justin Timberlake’s final bodice-rip, preceded by the hilarious lyric ”No disrespect, I don’t mean no harm,” was coarse, stupid, and sexist — and let’s leave to others a closer analysis of the racial implications of a white man ripping off a black woman’s top before a cheering crowd. The question is, how is it humanly possible even to feign surprise at this? The NFL’s track record in contributing to the glorification of the American woman consists of the fine 1981 TV movie ”The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders on Gilligan’s Island” and, after that, our memory gets a little fuzzy.

As for MTV and women…well, were you watching? ”I got girls that can cook, girls that can clean, I got girls that can do anything in between,” sang Kid Rock after tossing off his American-flag poncho a few minutes earlier. You won’t hear about an FCC investigation of that lyric, because thudding literal-mindedness — ”I saw a boob!” — makes a safer starting point for manufacturing a show of outrage. One exposed breast is something you can count, and therefore a place from which FCC chairman Michael Powell can launch ”an immediate investigation.” But the astounding miasma of contempt for women that hung in the air throughout the show — well, that’s just the way things are.

Of all the hypocrisies being vented this week, the biggest has to be that Janet Jackson’s breast marks a battleground between the old-school NFL ethos and scary new MTV culture. You only had to watch Nelly and P. Diddy preen across the stage of the halftime show, surrounded by vacant-looking semi-strippers in a demonstration that the reward for being a playa (or a player) is a gaggle of adoring, use-and-toss women, to realize that the NFL and MTV are selling the exact same idea, give or take an inch or two of fabric. If we’re going to have a national conversation about ”indecency,” that’s a better place to start.

Want to know why I stopped going to church? (Yeah, I know, that’s what you’ve all been thinking about.) I’m a very religious person, and yet I hate the Church. Most people don’t understand how I can separate one from the other. This might give you a little insight into my thought process.

The priest of my church during the time of my confirmation left the church not long after I decided to stop going to church. Not long after he left did we find out that he had gotten married and, oh, had embezzled funds from our church while he lived here.

Then today I’m watching my prime time TV and I see that the top headline of the 11 o’clock news is that the Bishop of my district (who just happened to have confirmed me) is now accused of sexual molestation.

Does this make anyone else sick? For just about eighteen years of my life I went there to hear about how we should help others and be a good neighbor, only to see the people around you who’ve shaken your hand spread vicious lies about other members of the community outside of the church. The same people who headed up the charities are the meanest, nastiest people you’d ever meet outside of church. You’ve got the same people spreading the message of love all of mankind denouncing unwed mothers, unmarried couples living together and homosexuals. Want the latest town gossip? Look no further than these church pews. Here you can find the biggest bigots, and the loudest hypocrites. Maybe this is why I feel such an affinity for Dante. He had no problem telling it like it is. Who needs a support group like that?

Want to feel like shit about your fellow man? Just join me in church Sunday morning.

Personally though, I think I’m doing just fine loving my fellow man on my own, thank you.

http://www.defectiveyeti.com got me thinking; what ever happened to pizza parties? Remember them? Back in grade school everyone brought in like three bucks to pay for a bunch of pizzas and a couple liters of soda, or the primo parties where you went to an arcade or bowling alley or something like that. Man, those were sweet. How come we don’t do that anymore? I mean in college every once and a while you’d buy a case of beer and order some pizzas at like 11 at night, but nobody went around calling it a “party”. Maybe we were just too hungry at 11 to think of calling it a “party”, I don’t know. It seems parties in college seem to just consist of beer and other alcohol…food be damned….which probably explains all of the vomiting. I call out to all of you: we need more pizza parties.