I just want to copyright this idea before someone else steals it.

Jeremy and I were joking around at work and he talked about how he and another friend wanted to make T-shirts with “Infidel” written on them. You know, so there is no confusion amongst the terrorists as to who we are. I decided to take that idea one step further and make “I’m With Infidel” T-shirts with a big arrow on them, pointing to the right. (If you don’t get it, just take a minute to think about it.)

This spontaneous addition broke both Jeremy and me up. (I’m pretty good at doing that to him. He’s a good audience.) Then he said something that really startled me.

“I’m really going to miss you when you are gone.”

A) I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before.

B) I haven’t even interviewed for this job yet, much less gotten it (although the odds are pretty good in my favor.)

C) This was the first moment that it really hit home that I might be moving far away very, very soon.

Like possibly a month and a half or sooner. This is a huge deal for me. Not only to move away from home, but to move SO FAR away from home. The furthest I’ve ever lived away from home was Bard, and that was still only an hour and a half away. If I wanted to zip home for a weekend it was easy as pie. Soon I might be more than five hours away BY PLANE. Much less by car. On my own. It’s scary stuff.

Understandably, I’ve been a little stressed lately. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so consistently like shit for so long. Every morning when I brush my teeth, I think I’m going to throw up. And it is not the change of lifestyle that scares me so much. I can adapt. It’ll be different, but most probably in a very good way. I know that. It’s the anticipation and uncertainty. You know the song, “The waiting is the hardest part?” That’s me. Doing something doesn’t scare me. If I have to do something I just do it, which is a skill not everyone can say they share. It’s getting ready to do something that scares the crap out of me.

Back in high school when I used to act in plays, I would physically destroy myself before a show. Typically I didn’t eat much of anything the week before the show opened. I’d lose at least five to ten pounds. I wouldn’t sleep much either. And it is the same now, with anything new, really. When I went to Seattle last September, I didn’t eat much of anything or sleep the night before. After I was there, I was fine. But before hand I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t even eat anything on the plane, while on the flight back I gorged myself like a pig.

It doesn’t help that I know that I know nothing about being on my own. Only one way to find out. Again, who cares? That’s just part of life. But the fact that it is so far away? Scary! And all of my usual stress relievers are gone right now. I’m working overtime because we are short staffed, so I don’t have my usual two days to screw around and refuel. That and my day off buddy, Harry, has been in Egypt the past few weeks. If I go out, I don’t even have anyone to hang out with and talk to. I feel caged, like that poor dog my mom brought home before realizing his history (turns out we are actually his FOURTH home, not third.) Oh well. One day at a time.

Right now my biggest problem is actually updating my resume so that I can officially apply for the damn job. Those of you who know me, know that no one procrastinates as well as I do. I’m here to make you proud.

Which helps in ways you would never imagine. Today Rachel seemed really impressed with how I did the Weekly Summary. That was a little surprising to me, because it is not exactly like this was the first time I’ve ever done it. In fact, I probably wrote it up three out of four times in the last month. But still, she seemed genuinely impressed with how I wrote it up.

And that felt really good.