You ever notice how often it is that the phone rings but you’re busy and can’t get to it immediately, and then just as you pick it up the person on the other end hangs up? What’s up with that? It’s just freaky.

——

Any of you who have seen me recently have probably noticed that I became the hippie I was always meant to be and grew my hair out. Although you couldn’t tell from the curls, I could pull it down all the way in the front and it would reach all the way down to my chin. For me, that’s really long fucking hair.

Well, it’s all gone now. The Wednesday of the other week it wouldn’t dry out from the rain and it kept getting in my eyes and it pissed me off so much that I vowed that I would cut it all off to make it pay. I kept my promise this Wednesday, and now my hair is really short.

That should send a message out to not fuck with me!

It’s kind of weird to look at myself in the mirror now. Despite the fact that for most of my life my hair was in fact probably this short, I don’t really recognize myself anymore. The funny thing is that my family has been in Cape May all this week and I told them nothing of my getting a haircut. Should be interesting to see their faces tomorrow night.

——

I had bat problems the other night. For like, 45 minutes me and a bat had a showdown in my house. Stupid bat. I’m trying to watch some Sealab 2021 before going to bed and suddenly there he is, flying around my room. So I start turning on lights and ducking low every time he wizzes by my head. What to do, what to do?

You ever think about what you would use to fight a bat, should the situation ever arise? I mean, everyone says net or tennis racket, but how many of you actually have one of those things close by? Trust me, trying to think of something on the fly while keeping an eye on the whereabouts of a bat is very tricky.

So the whole house is lit up like Hiroshima except for the breezeway, but it won’t go in the breezeway, wouldn’t you know? Instead it flies under a teakettle my mom has up above the cupboards in the kitchen. I can’t see what it is doing, so I get a step ladder to get a better look, knowing full well the fucker is probably going to latch on my face like in some National Lampoon Vacation movie. Lucky (or not) for me, it didn’t move. At all. Not even when I poked it with a broom.

And I poked it a lot.

And then I poked it with the bristly end.

Still nothing. So I ended up pushing the teakettle off of it, hoping that would freak it out enough to get it moving again. That actually worked. It flew out, I almost fell on my head. Everyone’s happy. Except I go to look for it flying around and it’s gone.

What happened is it flew once around the room and then landed right next to the dog. The dog got up like it had just gotten hit with an apple after unaware sitting under an apple tree. I then freaked, thinking the dog now somehow had rabies.

Let me just state that at this point that neither dog had barked once, or even reacted, to the bat flying around the house. Why, I have no idea. Bats must be build like stealth jets or something. The dogs just watched me freak out in complete wonder.

But the bat didn’t move from where it landed. So I found a box, threw it over top of the bat, and threw it outside. Of course you knew it took one last lunge at my head before flying off, just to say “ha ha, gotcha!”

——

My assistant manager is a complete dickhead, but you probably figured that out already.