(Here is something interesting I thought I would share with all of you. It’s kind of long, so expect a lot of reading ahead of you.

I know that some of you might disagree with my choice to post private thoughts in a public forum, but then again you same people will probably still end up reading the whole thing anyway. I’m not in the habit of airing my dirty laundry in public, but when you get burned as much as I just have that person is really asking for it. I would never ever post the private emails of the rest of you, but then again I don’t expect you to do anything as stupid as this either.

You’ve probably noticed in my last two posts my mentioning of someone who has done me wrong lately. I avoided using names because I was hoping that person would at least try to reach out to me before completely shutting me out. Well they didn’t, and this is the record of what happened. I want you to know that I haven’t edited these emails in any way, nor have I left anything out. I will add in comments to let you see the full picture though.

The person involved is my ex, Sarah. We had remained friends after the break up and had steady communication over instant messenger after we left school throughout the summer. Then just recently her tone starts to get a little cold with me. (Why it is cold shall be revealed shortly.) Then for like a month I don’t ever see her online, so I send her an email. I don’t have a copy of that, but it was short and pretty much was like “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s life? What have you been up to? How’s classes? What’s up? Ben” That’s not it exactly, but it was something very similar. Nothing major. Here is the response I got back, which prompted me to write that depressed post of September 25th. (Which, I might add, she references later as some sort of major trend of mine.))

——

yeah, thats been kinda something I’ve been meaning to tell you, but with work, and such, haven’t really found a way. I kinda don’t really want to talk to you anymore, thus the block on I.M., the one word responses, etc.

I mean it is nothing really personal, nothing I have against you or anything…I just don’t think we have alot to talk about anymore, it seems kinda pointless. I still think you’re a good person and all, but I feel like I’ve kinda moved on and pursuing a friendship right now is, well as I said, kinda pointless.

I wish you the best in everything and hope you do find someone really special.

Love, Sarah

——

(Can you believe the balls on that girl? Who does that? I’ve been too busy to let you know that I don’t want to talk to you anymore? Huh? I can understand if she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, but shouldn’t she at least tell me that first?

I was also bothered by the fact that she uses the phrase “kinda pointless” twice in reference to our friendship. Where did this come from? We were pretty inseparable before school ended, and I just assumed we’d be friends for life. I repeat, where is this all coming from?

In classic Sarah fashion she has gotten upset about something and failed to even once relate this problem to me in actual words. It’s all about avoidance of the problem. Notice in the first paragraph how she has dealt with the issue of not wanting to talk to me: she answered in one word responses when we talked and then blocked me, as if that is somehow going to help me read her mind.

In the email she is still vague as to what the problem ACTUALLY IS. She has issues with me, yes, but what they are is anyone’s guess at this point. Then she wraps it up by wishing me the best and with “Love”. After totally devastating me. Sorry, no, I wasn’t aware that you had blocked me. It’s hard to take that as a clue when I’m unaware of its very existence.

As I’ve already noted this really upset me. From experience I knew that the only way to properly deal with Sarah is to smack her with some reality. I agree that the following response from me isn’t very nice at points, but really you should have seen what I cut out. This could have been a lot worse. That said, I’ll let you read what I wrote in response.)

——

How dare you? If you wanted to stop talking to me then that is fine, but the way you have gone about it is totally despicable. You block me without telling me you are going to do so, and your only excuse for not telling me your feelings is that you’ve had too much work? Please, I think I know you a little better than that. And don’t think I’m so naïve as to believe your flimsy excuse that we no longer have anything to talk about. We’ve never had any problem talking to each other. Before you blocked me I said plenty to you and you said nothing back. I knew then that something was wrong with you but instead of just telling me what has been bothering you, you did what you always do, which is to make up a weak excuse and then act like that will placate me, that I’ll buy it hook, line and sinker, completely ignoring your own feelings, and especially my own. I thought we were good friends. To suddenly be cut off like that I think deserves a better explanation. You owe me the truth, even though as long as I’ve known you you’ve never actually given me the truth without much begging and pleading with you on my part. It’s time for you to grow up and stop acting like you’re 14. Adults deal with their problems, they don’t ignore them.

Obviously something bigger than you thinking our friendship is “kinda pointless” is going on. No one has ever told me something so cold and heartless. Something bigger is going on and I think you owe me an explanation before completely chopping me out of your life. If that’s what you really want, fine, you can have it, but not before you give me a real answer. I’m quite horrified that you didn’t talk out your feelings to me first and let me know where you were coming from so that such an event as this would not have happened. But then again, why should I be surprised? These are the same issues I had with you while we were dating, and were ultimately why I decided our relationship had to end.

I’m also surprised that with as few friends as you have you would so casually toss away what we had after earlier expressing how much it meant to you. I’m not saying that we had to be best buddies but I don’t think casual friends is completely out of the question. I don’t know what I’ve done to offend you, but if you just asked me about it there is probably an easy explanation for everything (as there usually is). Just the fact that you have said absolutely nothing to me, and I had to find out this by sending you an email asking you how you were doing? You’ve spit in my face, rubbed my nose in it, and totally ruined my week. You dropped an atom bomb on me and then ended your email with “love.” How can you be so insensitive?

If you really don’t want to ever hear from me again then fine, you’ll never hear from me again. But before that I think you owe me something. A real reason for not wanting to talk to me. Give that to me and you never have to ever even hear my name again. I want the absolute truth though, a real reason, no matter how much you think it might hurt my feelings or whatever it is that you don’t tell me. I’m a big boy, I can take my medicine. I do take it personally when you cut me out of your life just like that without even telling me you are doing so. Just send me one more honest email and you’ll never have to hear from me again. But know that does mean you will never hear from me again, if that is what you choose. If one day down the road you decide you want to talk to me again I’ll blow you off just as easily as you blocked my screen name. I don’t really want it to come to that though. I actually do respect you, despite the lack of respect you have given me. Just let me know what your true feelings are and I’ll let it go.

Ben

——

(Yeah, not the nicest thing in the world, but still I think most of you see what I was doing there. There is a lot of trash talking against her, but under it all is the message that I want this mess to be resolved without it coming to something extreme. Ultimately I want to save the friendship. Of course I was probably way too harsh, as this is what I received as a response the next day.)

——

From your point of view it may seem sudden that one day “out of the blue” I stop talking to you. It was when people started questioning me as to why I had started dating you in the first place, and why I had ever expected so much, that I really began questioning what I got out of a relationship, friend or otherwise with you. I found that it was very little. You think only of yourself and how things impact you. Whenever I tried even to bring in the good things someone else had done, you immediately shut them down, saying “its no big deal, I’m sure that’s easy to do.” It is obvious to me that you are just jealous of these people for having taken the initiate you so obviously lack.

After the whole summer of not speaking to me over the phone, and e-mailing me once(I know you email josh and the others members of of group much more), it surprises me that you wonder why I would be willing to give up such “great” friend.

I’m tired of your hearing you fish for complements as to why you are, what was it you said, a “SexGod” and your live journals of self pity are quite sickening.

But the thing that frustrates me the most about you, I guess it has always, is that, though you have a few bad qualities, as stated above(egotistical, self-loathing etc.) you also have alot to offer another person and indeed the world. I see it, and people like Anna and Clancy see it, but you refuse to take that first step. You know, life isn’t always to be compared with walking..sometimes you take the step you know you will fall from, because you also know you can pick yourself up again. I’m not saying go move to California or France, just be brave enough to live life with joy. If you wanted one concrete, and absolute reason as to why I no longer want to talk with you, it is because I do still care for you and can no longer stand to see you to see you miserable all the time. I know longer will feel bad that you have no life, because it is of your own doing, but talking with you about it, I just can’t do it anymore.

I know you’ll be alright, you have great friends like anna and clancy and mike who will always be there for you. And I will be ok, I have my friends at home and online. I do feel angry towards you, but it will pass, and hopefully in time I will look back on this experience with a smile.

I hope fulfills what you feel I have “owed” you, though I feel it would have been alot better if I hadn’t wrote this.

Please don’t email me again,

Sarah

——

(Ouch, huh? Some of what she said you all have probably never heard before. I’m not going to lie and say that this is all lies. In fact there is not a flat out lie anywhere in there. What there is though is a lot of exaggerations and misunderstandings. Things that probably could have very easily have been cleared up or changed if she had actually confronted me even once about what she thought. As you have seen though, her solution to the problem was to be short with me. Avoid me. Yeah, that will fix things.

I love that first sentence. What does it even mean? She implies that her blocking me wasn’t “out of the blue,” but then in no way follows that up and states why it is that it wasn’t out of the blue. And instead of confronting the things I said about her or the situation as a whole she jumps straight to attacking me and my character. I guess I was too harsh in my last email, huh?

I love the implication that people asked, “Why did you even date that guy anyway?” instead of what is more probable, someone asking the reasons as to why we started the relationship since she is so upset with me now. That may be a subtle distinction, but it is a telling one. I love the irony in that she is pointing out her own selfishness in explaining how I was/am selfish.

She found little reason to be friends with me? Interesting. My “jealousy” of other people is even more interesting. I’m not saying that she is lying in saying that. I am saying that she is probably misunderstanding who I am, and more importantly who SHE is. Sarah has always been disappointed in my lack of initiative. Meaning that she is a person who likes to keep herself busy all of the time and I’m much more laid back. This really ticks her off. So she starts to bring up other people’s accomplishments I guess in order to inspire me. Instead all it really does is either piss me off or depress me. At least half of my “self-loathing” was probably inspired by her wanting me to get out and do more. And so when she mentions what other people have done of course I say “well I could do that”, not because I am jealous or anything but because it really bothers me that she would keep bringing it up. I’ll do what I want to do, when I want to do it. That’s the way I’ve always been. My personality is not the same as hers. Perhaps she doesn’t realize this.

To say that I am jealous of other people’s initiative is just stupid. The people we were talking about had a year’s jump on me. I’m sure those same people didn’t just hop into the situations they now have. It took time. Most people are pretty depressed about being pushed into the real world after college. Not just me, OK? That I should try to jump a year ahead of my own schedule is frankly counter productive. And they aren’t doing what I want to do anyway. I have to find my own path. Get that in your head woman.

I was also really amused by the fact that she doesn’t think I was a great friend because I didn’t email her or call her. I ask all of you, when IS the last time I emailed you or called you? You probably can’t remember. I might not have ever even done so. I talk to you all online over instant messenger. JUST like I did her. I always IMed HER first. I don’t ever remember her talking to me first. She never called me. She never wrote me. Why the double standard? The one person I do email all of the time is my friend Josh from high school, and that is because that is the ONLY way we talk to each other. Why does she deserve preferential treatment? What is this “much more” crap? When I talked to her over the instant messenger she barely even talked to me anyway.

As to the fishing for complements and the whole “Sex God” comment, I was actually flirting with her. Uh, thanks for picking up on that.

My “livejournals of self pity are quite sickening”. I know for a fact that this comment is a direct reference to what I wrote on the 25th. It is probably beyond her to realize that this came as a direct result of her shocking email to me. Yeah, there were other factors, but the catalyst of depression definitely came from her. Otherwise how many other posts of self pity have there really been? I mean most of them are movie reviews anyway. Most of the time my posts are quite chipper. Where is this constant self pity stuff coming from?

I’m glad she “knows” where all of my problems came from and has to no longer feel bad for me because she isn’t actually talking to me anymore. I’m glad she wishes me the best. Please. Any real friend would have tried to help me with what said problems I had. She didn’t know how to deal so she chose to just not deal. She also chose to ignore the fact that she was responsible for bringing on several fits of self pity and depression. I don’t mean to imply that I am perfect and she is the cause of all of my evils. I don’t want to mislead you. I’m not perfect. I know that. But I don’t need to be constantly reminded how not perfect I am because someone wants to change my personality to something more akin to her own. Anyone who really cared about me would have tried to help me with my personality problems by actually addressing said issues with me. Fuming about it in your own little world isn’t going to help me any. Talk about selfish.

If she ever looks back on this experience with a smile, no matter which way things turn out, she is one sick fuck.

No, I don’t feel like you have given me what you “owed” me. You gave me a lot of excuses but failed to actually address your real problem. I understand though. It fits her personality to a T. She’s not really that great at expressing herself and her feelings to other human beings. Just don’t use that as a reason to hate me.

I’ve had other people angry with me. I asked them why and they told me. And I made things better. Those people had a lot of respect for me for that. And I respected them for working things out with me. I don’t like people who hold grudges. This post is my way of not holding a grudge. After this I am done with the whole thing if that is the way it has to be. Sarah, you don’t want me to email you again, then fine. I fulfill your wish. I’ll express my concerns here. And I bet you’ll probably read this too. All the more power to you. If you really care about me and want to work things out in the future then this will probably be a wake up call. Otherwise I stand by what I originally said: If you don’t want to ever talk to me again then fine, I’m not ever going to talk to you again EVER. If you decide you want to reunite again when I am “happier” I’m going to brush you off. I don’t need that. I don’t need fake friends. If you want to work things out now I do too, but the ball is in your court. I’m sick of being the problem solver. Learn to work things out for yourself.

I bet she does probably feel that she shouldn’t have written that email now. Oh well. It is my life too. Don’t piss on it and then wish me the best for the future. I don’t play that way. I was brought up to genuinely care about my friends.

Well, that’s my story. I hope you have enjoyed the drama. All I know is that at least now I feel like a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can go back to being happy about my life again.)