Well, today I spent my birthday entirely alone, depressed, and with a stack of DVDs under my arm to keep me company. I haven’t seen a soul all day long. I thank the few that actually did send me a birthday greeting, because it helped a little. Not too much though. Not sure why so depressed. This has been the first birthday alone. No definite future. I’m 22 now with no goals and nothing to do with myself. Well, maybe I do know why I’m so depressed. Some people are chronic anxiety eaters. I must be a chronic film watcher. Unless you haven’t been reading this you’ve probably noticed that I’ve seen mad movies lately. Today I saw four. All birthday presents I bought myself and which came in the mail today. All great movies, but ones that left me in a state of excited melancholy.

I came upon a little religious insight recently. Let me share:

Us trying to understand God is like an Ant trying to understand us.

I can go out and find an ant colony and take care of it, watch over it, bring it food and do everything that’s needed to keep those ants alive. And then one day I could just change, and start smiting ants left and right. Not because they’ve done anything wrong, or because I’m angry at them. Just because. Boredom perhaps. But who knows, those ants could have been worshiping me as God. Would I ever know that? Would they ever know why I decided to take a magnifying glass to smite them?

The point is that for us to assume we know anything about God is just plain foolish. We can live by moral codes of behavior and bad shit can still happen to us. Should we blame God? Should the ants blame me if I didn’t hold an umbrella over their nest when it poured and wiped half of them out? They don’t know if it was on purpose or just because that’s life. We shouldn’t presume to think we have all the answers. We can only live life as best we know how, and hope that today is going to be a good day.