As most of you probably know, I am a pathetic bitch who still doesn’t have his license. I went through all of Driver’s Ed and passed, but didn’t immediately get my license because I didn’t see the need. That was stupid. Little did I know that those things expire, so I had to go take the 5 Hour course before I can sign up for my road test. Well I did that tonight, Blackout 2003 night, and this is what I learned.

WHAT I LEARNED AT THE FIVE HOUR PRE-LICENSING COURSE:

1. 5 Hours doesn’t necessarily mean five hours.

–I show up at five. Class doesn’t start until five thirty. At seven thirty we have a half hour break. Class is over before nine. You do the math–the class was only 3 hours long.

2. Europeans are odd.

–One of the videos we watched was about wearing your safety belt. They did lots of comparisons using crash test dummies of showing the difference between wearing a seatbelt and not wearing the belt. Then, out of the blue, the announcer goes: “And in Europe people took cameras and filmed what actually happens in a crash to show how seatbelts save lives.” Suddenly there is all of this crazy footage of people running stop signs and smashing into oncoming cars, driving their cars into telephone poles, and rear ending some guy on the highway. It was hilarious.

3. No matter how much your parents try to convince you, Don Johnson was never cool.

–At the hight of his Miami Vice popularity Johnson hosted one of these videos with Joe Green and an audience of pimpley faced 80’s highschoolers in pastels. He actually hits on one of them at one point. Most…painful…thing…ever…

4. You can’t go wrong with being punctual.

The teacher told us there would be a half hour break. After the half hour break only about half of us returned. The teacher was really pissed so he locked the door on them and gave all us good listeners all of the answers to the test. Not only did I pass and get my blue card without having to do anything other than sit for three hours, but I also got to leave early while all the other schmucks took the test. Score!

5. Chances are, if you’re the kind of guy to carry a bat between the front two seats of your car, you are probably also the kind of guy who has road rage problems.

–Am I right, or is that just me?

6. If you get drunk and bounce on a pogo stick down a road, you can lose your license for that.

–Who knew?

7. You’re kids can act out the Matrix!

–One of the crash test videos showed a father dummy buckled in in the front of a car with no roof while the child was unbuckled in the back. As soon as they hit the wall the child’s head immediately flew into the back of the father’s skull and then bounced off while his body flew up into the air. His body twisted so that he was upside down in a sitting position looking at his father. Towards the end of the clip it all slowed down so that it looked like he was moving in bullet time. It was awesome.

8. 16 year old brats know nothing about drugs (while I seem to know way too much).

–When the driver’s ed teacher asked us about drugs the class got really silent while I (I have no idea why) spoke up for the first and only time all class. No one knew what chemical in pot made you high, and no one seemed to know what any of the common hallucinogens were (while I rattled them off like a pro drug addict). The only kid to speak up answered “Crack”. Dumbass. If you’re going to take the drug at least know what it is.

9. If you run at a human’s top speed (25 miles per hour) into a brick wall, you can smash it.

–Although it probably does a good number on you too.

Aren’t we all glad I’m a better driver now?